Bullet Proof Soul

She bust in my comments on my last post and demanded that I blog, and since I am sorta scared of her, blog I shall!

Let's see, it has been HELL WEEK in my life. My Job and School have been hazing the hell out of me but it is over and I survived, and most importantly, I didn't beat any bitches down.

I have so many exciting opportunities developing, and I can't share all the details just yet, but when I do, I hope that my blog family will support me in each endeavor. I can not believe the direction things are taking, so I will just shut up, savor it, and buckle up in case it gets bumpy.


Change of topic:
I have been circulating resumes to different companies, preparing for my last 2 semesters in graduate school. I want to have a host of interviews under my belt to gain experience and to gauge what companies are looking for. I have noticed that a lot of the positions that I am interested in are on the west coast. I would LOVE to live in Cali so I hope the positions pay enough to maintain my standard of living, LOL..especially since the cost of living (my kind) seems astronomically high, compared to ATL, or the south. I also want to continue with my dream of living abroad, so I am going to start finding PhD programs at different international universities. If I could land a fellowship, that would be grand.


Ok I will stop pretending this is a real post, but I will put up a decent one tomorrow. I have a couple of them running in my head and as soon as I sort it out from genomic vaccinations, microarray databases, and metabolic pathways that are really wrecking my creative flow, I will be back!!

Hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend!!

Sometimes poetry breathes life into your thoughts. Thoughts that laid dormant until you absorb the flow of a poet, word by word, passage by passage...I remember how I felt reading Nikki Giovanni, Sonia Sanchez, and many others, and they literally ovewhelmed me with their words. Poetry can take you on a journey that you never even imagined you could venture on. You collect things along the way with each poem: passion, anger, sensuality, fear, hope, understanding.

I wrote about Anais Nin before. Her poem Two Women struck a chord with me. She makes me think each time I read her work:

There is not one big cosmic meaning for all,
there is only the meaning we each give to our life,
an individual meaning, an individual plot,
like an individual novel, a book for each person.

Only one meaning that we each give to our lives

An individual meaning

An individual plot

A book for each person

Wow...

So what genre of book represents my life?

A comedy?
I certainly have experienced hilarity in my life

A inspirational book?
At times I have to marvel at what I have been through and learned through life experiences, and I don't know if I have inspired others, but I inspire myself.

A self-help book?

I feel like I am able to do self-analysis from time to time, Deconstructing Diva is still in process so in that sense, I am helping myself. If anything I would say I am a cautionary tale for others..i.e. don't make the same mistakes I did.

Interesting when you think about it.

I am finding my meaning.

I am writing my life's novel everyday

Some days I feel writers block.

Some days the moral of my life's story evades me.

There are other days when I feel like I am writing the Diary of A Mad Black Woman

There are times when my life is enlightened and I am changed by the characters, but ultimately, I am the sole author.

This book is not a collaborative project.

I can't let others give meaning to my life (story).

It's up to me to write it, to live it, and to learn from it.

Every day a new passage is written.

Each milestone I reach represents a chapter.

The tears that I cry represent the drama, some self-written, some brought on from the supporting (or non-supporting) characters that I have in my life's novel.

I suppose the novel won't end until the day that I die.

In the interim, I will keep writing

I will keep editing (correct mistakes if possible)

I will keep seeking the meaning for my life

After all... it's my story isn't it?

That reminds me of what she said:

As a post-Civil Rights Era Black woman, I feel a responsibility to write about my experiences. If I don't record them, someone who doesn't understand my world will try to explain it and get it wrong, or no one will tell it all.

Danyel Smith, Essence, July 2005

Crunk and Disorderly reminded me of the quote from Danyel Smith when she was featured in Essence. When I first read it, I just smiled. When I saw it on this blog, it reminded me of what women are capable of doing. We have the power to change the world, and we are doing it through our words...and I mean that literally, and figuratively.

It's interesting to think back over past relationships and realize how easily the L word was tossed out. I think that people sometimes misspeak about love, mistaking it for infatuation, lust, desire, or wanting something that they can't have.

I haven't had a "perfect time" that these words were said to me for the first time yet, because each time I have heard I love you from a romantic interest, it always catches me off guard which leads to the MOST AWKWARD MOMENT. I can easily say it to friends or family, but saying it to the one who holds my heart has always been a slow, slow process. I usually reserve it for a time when I have felt something on a deeper level, and I don't mean something **cough big cough** deep between my legs either...(although that sure can have you love-confused too)

I have thought about why it takes me so long to admit that I love someone, and funny enough it goes waaay back to my very first boyfriend (FB). He was very athletic, played all sports, and we were on the gymnastics team together. We were the only brown kids at the boarding school, so naturally we gravitated to each other. I think that made us cling to each other more for this reason. He would tell me that we were going to get married, have babies, and open our own gym to train Olympic hopefuls. We would talk for hours and hours about our future. FB was the first guy I ever considered to be my boyfriend, in the traditional sense of the word. We were inseparable. When we graduated, I stayed home to help my parents with their recovery from the drunk driver accident a year before. He went on to college, while I deferred my freshman year (I later transferred to the same school Sophomore year). FB said he didn't want to end our relationship and he thought we could endure being apart for a school year. I was so young and naïve, I thought we could too. We all know how things change when you leave home and go to college, it’s a Different World.

**Didn't this happen to Lance and Charmaine, only the other way around?! LOL**

So many beautiful, intelligent people, new experiences, new interests await you in college. He quickly realized that being attached during freshman year was like café food, it's great if you have no other options. Well he had plenty of options and it wasn't long before I visited him on campus to surprise him, and found him sitting in the quad with another girl. I was hurt, embarrassed, and disappointed, and at the time it felt like my world had imploded. I played it off and didn't confront him in public. When I caught up with him later we had a fight, or rather, I cussed and cried and he looked at me as if I was an alien.

I yelled, "I thought you loved me?"

He said, "I only said I did because you said it first!"

Ouch! He was right though, when I was younger I fell in love easily, and I had no trepidation about saying it, showing it, or proving it. It was a time to be more free, more open and carefree with my heart. I gladly handed it over without substantiating anything, and I think that was quite apropos for the age that I was.

Now as I grow older, (and older) I learned a lot about hearing and saying I love you:

It's a BS I Love You if:

It is only said while climaxing

If it is said by a person that is consistently selfish

If it is said by a person who utters it expressly to get something from you: sex, money, power, attention, etc.

*sigh* Maan, the things I went through to learn all that!! Live and Learn!!

A lot of times when we say we love something, it usually means that we want something out of it.

For example, I say that I love reading blogs because it brings me insight, or provokes thought, or offers comfort, or it could even bring a certain thrill or excitement. The problem is we do the same thing with each other, loving people on what they can give us, but that isn't true love. True love is not selfish.

I didn't realize that FB and our puppy love even affected me like that. Since that time, I never said I love you to a man before he said it to me. I suppose that feeling of rejection from FB was enough for me to hold back till I was sure the guy said it first, as if that was some sort of protection for my feelings, when things came undone. I remember Fireman said it to me two months into our relationship. He was upset that I didn't say it back. I told him I would say it when I truly felt it, and I appreciated that he said it to me but it really bothered me that he was rushing things so fast. I was afraid that he would be leaving anytime after that. I started to question whether he would get past the infatuation stage with me. I just wanted to take things slow, and he said he understood, but maybe he didn't really. . I am not sure if that contributed to him checking out on me, but I suspect it didn't help matters much.

It's weird because it feels so great to hear, but I don't want to hear I love you if it is BS I Love You. Don't say you love me if you are not going to stay. Save those words for the moment when you are ready to step up and show me as well as tell me that we are going to be together. So really, I suppose I don't struggle with saying/hearing the words themselves. It is the commitment that’s expected when those three words are used together. Love is more than just a feeling. There is a huge commitment involved when you tell someone you love them. A certain set of actions is expected. Don't try to give this feeling of forever because I'll only start to believe it, and with that belief, comes expectations. You toss around the L word, you need to make it real, and it really is that simple.

When I fall in love and my heart tells me it's real, I probably won't have a problem saying it first. I won't be stressing that it will bite me in the ass later. I won't care. I will shout it out, broadcast it, blog it, and tell anyone who listens that I love that man. I won't have apprehension, trepidation, or fear, I will have no problem saying I love you, because it will be real.

Proverbs 4:23
Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life

1 Timothy 1:5 (NIV)
The goal of this command is love, which comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith.

1 Corinthians 13:4
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

John 15:13
Greater love has no one than this that he lay down his life for his friends.

Maya Angelou knows exactly what to feed your soul.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin."
I'm whispering "I was lost,"
Now I'm found and forgiven.

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need CHRIST to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
and need HIS strength to carry on.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
but, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain,
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
who received God's good grace, somehow.

~Maya Angelou~

I normally don’t form opinions about celebrity and their lives, especially when it comes to dating, marriage, or relationships. I really think that sometimes their reality is so far removed from the rest of us, that they somehow adapt their own set of morals, perspectives, and principles. When you have access to money, power, sex, etc you tend to take on a new kind of mentality that some internalize to mean entitlement to do what they want, damn everybody else.

Having said that, I had an argument with a friend about Jude Law and his latest attempt at having a relationship. If you are not familiar with Jude Law he was in in the film Closer, with Julia Roberts, and Alfie, with Nia Long and some other equally irritating films. Hollywood seems to love him because he had about 100 films out in the last 2 years.

So Crude Jude used to be married to Sadie Frost, an actress and they have three kids together. After six years of marriage, they divorced last year among rumors that Jude was unfaithful with his co-star in Cold Mountain, Nicole Kidman. Of course in interviews, Jude scoffed at the idea of being involved with her and said that it is “normal” for cast members to hang out. So Jude and Sadie split up and next thing ya know, Jude is dating his co-star Sienna from Alfie. He proposes to Sienna and they are all in love until it comes out Jude was screwing the nanny. Sienna gets mad and the wedding is called off.

**sidenote** this is the same bitch ass that blasted Sadie for some pics there were published of her leaving a club with her "tits" hanging out calling that behavior "unflattering and embarrassing"....yeah, right, and you shagging the kids' nanny will certainly get you voted Father Of The Year.

Now my friend commented that Sadie should have known better than to hire some hot nanny that would “tempt” Jude like that. I do see the logic in NOT having a nanny that belongs on the cover of Victoria Secret, at the same time, I don’t understand how having a hot nanny had anything to do with Jude’s inability to keep it in his pants.

I don’t believe that we have to HELP men stay faithful by making sure they are not around beautiful women. That is bullshit. I don’t have the time, energy, or desire to be on penis patrol 24/7. If a man wanted to cheat, he will cheat, and there is nothing you can do about it. Worrying about all threats of infidelity seems like a waste of time. I just can’t imagine mean mugging every chick that notices your man, or getting mad about female friends as long as they are respecting you and the relationship.

If you have to baby sit your man’s penis to make sure he keeps it at home, then there are some big trust issues going on. It just doesn’t seem like a good way to live life. I don’t know, maybe it would be different if I were married. I just can’t see myself being on penis patrol.

There is a sexual revolution going on. An asexual revolution! There are a group of individuals who describe themselves as 100% uninterested in sex.

Yep, I said the same thing. What in the hell?!

Now I remember seeing women on Oprah who “lost interest” in sex but honestly, I figured they just really lost interest in their mate after years of marriage or something. But these people are completely happy to be in this state of mind. No stress, no feelings of inadequacy, just totally proud to be Asexual.

Apparently they feel that this is totally normal and insist that this way of life is not a by-product of being “broken, defective, or sexually dysfunctional”. No these are healthy, happy, well adjusted people who are organizing to get out the message that they are proud to be asexual!! They have an organization called the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN).

According to their website:

An asexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction. Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are. Asexuality does not make our lives any worse or any better, we just face a different set of challenges than most sexual people. There is considerable diversity among the asexual community, each asexual person experiences things like relationships, attraction, and arousal somewhat differently.

Relationships: Asexual people have the same emotional needs as anyone else, and like in the sexual community we vary widely in how we fulfill those needs. Some asexual people are happier on their own, others are happiest with a group of close friends. Other asexual people have a desire to form more intimate romantic relationships, and will date and seek long-term partnerships. Asexual people are just as likely to date sexual people as we are to date each other. Sexual or nonsexual, all relationships are made up of the same basic stuff. Communication, closeness, fun, humor, excitement and trust all happen just as much in sexual relationships as in nonsexual ones. Unlike sexual people, asexual people are given few expectations about the way that our intimate relationships will work. Figuring out how to flirt, to be intimate, or to be monogamous in a nonsexual relationships can be challenging, but free of sexual expectations we can form relationships in ways that are grounded in our individual needs and desires.

Attraction: Many asexual people experience attraction, but we feel no need to act out that attraction sexually. Instead we feel a desire to get to know someone, to get close to them in whatever way works best for us. Asexual people who experience attraction will often be attracted to a particular gender, and will identify as gay, bi, or straight.

Arousal: For some sexual arousal is a fairly regular occurrence, though it is not associated with a desire to find a sexual partner or partners. Some will occasionally masturbate, but feel no desire for partnered sexuality. Other asexual people experience little or no arousal. Because we don’t care about sex, asexual people generally do not see a lack of sexual arousal as a problem to be corrected, and focus their energy on enjoying other types of arousal and pleasure.Note: People do not need sexual arousal to be healthy, but in a minority of cases a lack of arousal can be the symptom of a more serious medical condition. If you do not experience sexual arousal or if you suddenly lose interest in sex you should probably check with a doctor just to be safe.

Identity: Most people on AVEN have been asexual for our entire lives. Just as people will rarely an unexpectedly go from being straight to gay, asexual people will rarely and unexpectedly become sexual or vice versa. Another small minority will think of themselves as asexual for a brief period of time while exploring and questioning their own sexuality. There is no litmus test to determine if someone is asexual. Asexuality is like any other identity- at its core, it’s just a word that people use to help figure themselves out. If at any point someone finds the word asexual useful to describe themselves, we encourage them to use it for as long as it makes sense to do so.

Hmmm ...so they still seek romantic, emotional relationships, they just don’t consummate them and they let the person know that they have a complete lack of desire for any kind of sexual contact.

There have actually been studies in the UK where there were a small percentage of people who said they “never felt sexually attracted to anyone”. Now as someone who thinks about sex All. The. Time. I really have a hard time imagining what it is like to be asexual.

Forget about meeting metro-sexuals, I have to ask dudes if they are asexual now!

The topic was interracial dating on the AJC blog. I actually had not been paying much attention because I was studying for my exams, so I had not weighed in on my thoughts about it..when I get this email from someone who was giving HER opinion (she sent it to a few of us)

I have not changed anything so the spelling and grammar is unedited:

I am a young, white female born and raised in Georgia. I love people. I love learning about new people and getting to know them and where they came from. I love looking into what makes people tick. I am interested in relationships of all kinds. This interracial blogg really hit it home for me. I do not date African-American men. I am not attracted to African-American men in any type of physical way. Now, I can look at an African-American man and notice why others would be attracted to them.....example: Terrence Howard. I look at him and say, "Wow....what a good looking guy." Another example: Morris Chestnut. I think most people (even guys notice Morris Chestnut!!). I know that all black men are not the same. Just as all white men are not the same. Every race has it's creeps. PERIOD. I love my strong, hardworking, good to my mother, deep roots, home-grown, Lord-loving, funny, charming, AWSOME father. He is a strong white man with good morals. I believe that is what I want in a man. Why do I not chose to date black men? In my life I havent met many that treated me like a lady. At the store I get "what up baby" and "ppsssssstttt"......honestly, WHAT kind of pick-up line is "PSSSSTTT"????? I have NEVER had a black man come up to me with a respectful attitude. In highschool I had many white friends whom only dated black guys. My best friend has one beautiful child with a black man. However, where is this man?? He is calling her at her mom's house saying she is a "lazy, fat, white-trash cunt who needs to get off her lazy ass and get a job"....tells her to "stop living off other people" when he lives with his mama. Tells her he can afford to give her money for their child, yet comes to see the kid with new rims on his car. He says he got them "on a payment plan." She asks him how he has a cell phone/ cell bill with no money. He says "Oh, I dont pay for it...my cousin pays it for me." Cousin....riiiiiight. Everybody is his cousin. Oh, forgot to tell you.....she doesnt live with him anymore because she caught him cheating. He says he didn't do it. Ummm...OK, yeah, I am sure that girl really IS calling his cell phone bacause she is looking for his "cousin" Marcus. I am also sure that my friend had Herpes her whole life and just didn't know it. This is what my friend has to put up with for the rest of her life. Yes, it WAS her choice to date him, so she is also to blame. Well...it is also my choice who I date and I am not even taking the chance. You know why she even has a kid with him?? Mid-sex he tells her "I am gonna cum in you because I want you to be my baby mama." She says "NO!!" He says "Too late."

I understand that he is just a jerk and not all black men are like this. You forget tho....this story is only ONE of my friends. My other friend had a sweet, good-natured black man. He was so kind and caring for the first 3 months.....until he took her verginity, and later called her to let her know she was "no longer a challenge." Therefore no use to him. Also the whole "I'm a thug" mentality. Why is it such a bad thing to be an honest person?? I have these opinions, not because I was raised like this (I was not), but because this is ALL I KNOW. The experience I have had and witnessed have not been good. Most of the black males I have known made themselves look bad. The times are rare that have felt warmth or compassion or love or honesty from one. That makes me so sad. WHY??? I have been made fun of for being white. My cousin was beat up and always teased on the elementary school bus by three black girls when I was growing up. The only black boy that befriended me in 7th grade decided one day in the middle of the hallway (to be mean) and told everyone that I shopped at goodwill. Even on the blogg I get offened many times by the comments made by the black men. For some reason racism is ok when it is directed toward white people. I am going to say this because I truly BELIEVE this........racism has SWITCHED in today's society. In my experience I have seen more racism towards white people from black people than towards black people from white people. I am sick of getting the bad looks. I am sick of honestly being a NICE person just because I was taught to treat others how I would like to be treated and getting a fake smile and laughs and snickers after I walk away. I am sick of feeling not welcomed. Sick of being looked at like I have done something wrong. I am sick of black men persistently treating me like a piece of ass. I am sick of having black women cut infront of me in a line acting like they dont see me. I am sick of seeing my friend's get taken for fools when all they do is trust a fella. I am sick of seeing white girls fall again and again and AGAIN for the same bullshit lies and excuses. BUT!!---that is their choice. If they want to take that road...and if it works out for them....I am damn happy for them. Me, on the other hand....unless my opinion gets changed and I am shown a better side (which I KNOW is out there SOMEWHERE!!)....I am sticking to who treats my friends and I better. Sticking to what I could never live without.....a white man

Ok so I was of COURSE pissed off..and responded with stop emailing me your ignorant BS!! Than I calmed down and drafted this response:

Exhaling…I feel sorry for you and your friends. Maybe you just don’t know ANY good black men. (I doubt you would know one if you saw one though). Perhaps your perception won’t ever change because men don’t go around trying to prove to you that they are worthy to be held in high esteem by you. Believe it or not, every man won’t feel commissioned to show you that you are a queen. Perhaps you don’t get respect because you don’t give any. Maybe your exposure to things are limited. At any rate, your email was offensive to me. It was filled with stereotypical assumptions based on a skewed perception. I hope that one day you will leave your comfort zone and learn more about people of all backgrounds. Then the next time you think to email someone, perhaps you should start by asking questions instead of recounting the worst stories of you and your friends. Maybe you can ask me about the black men that have done the right thing. No they aren’t perfect, but they are men that don’t perpetuate stereotypes. These are men I applaud, love, adore, and support… I respectfully ask that you don’t contact me again. I get enough “bad press” on black men in the media, I don’t need to hear more from you. K? Thanks

It's interesting because I immediately started stereotyping her as a "trailer park, ignorant, racist, or trifling" person, so that made me think...my kneejerk reaction shows that I have my OWN misconceptions, stereotypes, and prejudices too. ..and just like that..

I "E-Crashed"

Wow

....cohesive enough to resemble a blog post. My brain is scrambled from mid-terms. Whatever free brain cells I had, went into dressing myself and driving to work.

They are over, thankfully, not sure how I did. Be back with a real post after I remember my name.

Sex sells. That mantra has taken on a whole new meaning in our society today. I think the latest direction of sex sells has chartered into a territory where there are more and more women being depicted in a sexually suggestive, erotically charged, or extremely hypersexualized manner. It seems that lately, everywhere you turn there are advertisements that bombard you with sex. It could be a commercial about shampoo, a hamburger for a fast food joint, or even a print ad for clothes.

The Roots (love them) had this track on the Phrenology CD called P***Y GALORE

To give your product that extra push
Niggas lookin for the time of their life, coppin a rush
You see, life's about marketing and P***Y Galore
Every time I turn around it's more P***Y Galore
Nations goin to war for the P***Y Galore
Either the cash, the raw or the P***Y Galore
Yo, gang wars more P***Y galore
From the streets to the record store
Every time I turn around it's more P***Y Galore
Either the cash, the raw or the P***Y Galore

Yo desire and lust can make a man kill
Or jump off a bridge cuffed to a muthafuckin anvil
So it's promoted like that's all yawl know
Keep a nigga under the spell you under control
But Yo I seem to make people slit they wrists
P***Y make a spots they secrets
But what for, cause sex is the law, law
And done been many an empire rise and fall
From the Squares to the Players to the Pimps and Whores
To big checks that never would have been endorsed
You know, I just sit back and just peep things
9 out of 10 it's the same song, only the beat changed

Life is about marketing (ain't that the TRUTH!)...so who is being marketed to? I remember seeing a paper towel commercial where the male actor was doing some sexually suggestive gestures, and it was clear that they were appealing to gay men and straight women. I suppose this is a case of penis galore?

It's interesting to see how advertising appeals to different demographics, and in doing so they often times disregard any concern for social, moral, or cultural acceptability. I wonder how powerful media/advertising's influence is on our society, especially young kids.

Is it necessary to associate sex with everything we do? I know sex can get people's attention faster. The natural assumption in advertisement/media dictates that if you want people to "remember your product" you must make it stand out. So we end up with sex being used to sell every.damn.thing. on the market.

Companies are so driven by revenue, that they simply aren't all that concerned about messages that are put out with their product. Most times they are trying to stay below the offensive, politically incorrect, moral radar. But the envelope is pushed from time to time, sometimes overreaching into pornographic or stereotypical depictions. When this happens, there may be some outcry by some people, or a few organizations but that usually dies down after awhile. Sometimes companies apologize, sometimes they don't. I think what they do a lot is just go back to the drawing board and figure out a way to be less noticeable. They pick a smaller thread to unravel in the fabric of society. They won't stop though, not entirely. They will tug and pull on a new thread and before you know it we flinch less when we see something that used to be offensive. We become less visceral in our reaction to women/children being used as sex objects, young girls being depicted as grown women. What happens when it's open season for sex in advertising? Some countries are way worse about using sex for advertising yet they don't appear to have social issues on the scale that we do in America. I wonder why these messages get internalized to the point that it manifests itself in our every day lives.

I know sex sells has been around before "our time" but is the new price we pay for it too high? Who will truly be paying for it? Are we feeding a virus that infects the collective mind of individuals who are already sexually deviant? I hear in the news about 80 year old women being raped, young girls are taken from their homes to be tortured, assaulted, and abused....there are some sick people in the world, I know....but sometimes I question if this is a by-product of P***Y GALORE.

Or perhaps I should say real patient women have men.

Lately I have been observing married couples. I am not sure if I am trying to promote marriage to myself OR scare myself into a perpetually single life forever.

I know that other people's marriage won't necessarily apply to me personally, but just looking at what it takes to be in a marriage really shows me that marriage is NOT for the faint at heart. It seems that the wifey role can challenge you, stretch your psyche to what feels like the outskirts of insanity, push you to the edge of irrational behavior, emotions, and actions.

For example, my alleged sister (still not on best of terms with her yet) and her husband have been married for 10 years and throughout their marriage, they have had periods of extreme disconnect. I know there are days when she wants to pummel him with a bat. I remember that she could not stop laughing at Chris Rock's line about the only thing saving some marriages was an episode of CSI…and if you haven't plotted the demise of your mate than you probably haven't truly been in love.

Damn, is it like THAT?!

Well apparently so, because being married means that you and your mate have to find ways to resolve conflict that won't include duck tape and a .38... It isn't enough to have deep love/compassion for your wife/husband. You have to really know how to communicate, forgive, pray, compromise, and the list goes on and on, and that is just to have a marriage that you aren't trying to bail from every week.

To actually have a HAPPY marriage….well damn, is there such a thing? I am not talking about "wake up every morning, jumping for joy type of happy marriage". I realize that some days the sight of your mate could quite possibly make you want to hurl. What I want to know is...how do you have a marriage where you can be just as content as if you were single? (that sounds kinda of ridiculous).

But what I mean is, I am content with my reality right now. Is there a way to be married and be JUST as content with my reality? Not meaning that I expect the same freedoms, or would want them, for that matter, but just CONTENT with my life as a married woman.

I joke all the time that a man will have to trump my fabulous single life to make me consider giving it up. This doesn't mean that I will want him to lace me up, put the biggest rock on my hand, or buy the biggest house on the hill. These are all things that I certainly won't turn down, of course! What I really want him to "one up" in my life is support and love. I want to feel like, although the life I had before him was great, but having him as my husband just makes it richer, fuller, more balanced.

In return, I want to be his cheerleader, his lover, his motivator, his friend, his laughter, his joy, his baby mama, his spiritual partner, and generally make his life richer, fuller, and balanced too..it's a win-win right!? Uhh well, see I am not so sure anymore.

So what does it take to be all that to one man and generally be happy with your life, and content with your reality? I. HAVE. NO. CLUE.

Looking at other marriages I see that EVERYONE has issues that must be dealt with. You will have a point of contention from time to time. You will endure disconnects that may even feel like an impasse. I think that women who put in the work involved with a marriage are so incredibly patient. I imagine my frustration in dating and magnify it about a gazillion times and I still won't know the utter patience that it must take to be a wife. I was advised to read The Power Of A Praying Wife by my dear friend (as well as my alleged sister). I took a look at a couple of chapters in that book and FREAKED out! Just reading that made me realize that I was not even close to being in the right mindset (or heartset or spiritset….so making up words) to be married. If/When marriage comes, I will have to toss out every single expectation that I have about marriage. I want to go into it with a willing heart, a LOT of patience, and enough love that keeps me from finding the duck tape and .38 every other day. The rest will have to take prayer and forgiveness to survive.

I think men certainly contend with a LOT from women too in a marriage. Communication styles are polar opposite with men and women which can lead to extremely tense situations. Finding a way to get through the difficult times will require tapping into a part of you that you probably didn't even know existed before...that part of your heart that aches to see your loved one unhappy, distressed, or sad...ESPECIALLY if YOU are the source of the pain. I don't know how married people do it!

At any rate, I am still checking out the married thing. Some days I wonder if I can be a real woman, a wife, hell at this rate a girlfriend because real women have men…and if the men are still breathing, they are real patient women.

I haven't addressed my spiritual side before on my blog. Honestly, there are days when I felt overwhelmed with the idea of sharing something that I consider to be THAT personal..but the blog is a representation of who I am, so it just makes sense that I talk about this aspect of my life. IT is never far from my mind, I just don't write about it much..lately though I feel a change stirring. Slowly, yet surely.

Undergoing a spiritual makeover can be so exciting. The journey that I have started has taken on a life of it’s own. I haven’t found myself attending a particular church or taking an actual Bible study class because it isn’t religion I am seeking right now. What I want to do is strengthen my spiritual muscles so that I can establish a closer relationship with God.

Being a pastor’s kid seems to have been a double edged sword in my life. On one hand I learned about God from an early age, always attended Christian schools, went to church ALL THE TIME. ..and basically I was inundated with religion, theology, and the bible. This was the great thing.

At the same time, I witnessed the most gully, back-biting, evil-spirited, hypocritical behavior of so-called Christians within the Church. From the church headquarters down to the small church that I attended from time to time when I was away from dad’s church.

I suppose when my father had problems with his particular church leaders I had a serious distaste for organized religion. For one, the church leader was like an uncle to me growing up. His daughters were my friends and my sister and I loved spending time with them. So the disillusionment that I felt from the ordeal with my father and the church was far-reaching in my mind. I am still grappling with old feelings of resentment over that whole thing.

I just can’t continue to use that as an excuse. My spiritual foundation stopped being built back when that went down. I told myself that I was fine without that element of Faith but the reality is, I miss it. I miss learning about ways to cope with life using my faith. I miss having a place to rejoice and praise and give thanks. I miss having a safe haven to unload my burdens. This void has manifested its way in my life in so many ways.

Now that I see how my lack of church attendance has stunted my spiritual growth, I am looking at ways to redirect my spiritual journey.

I was listening to a song by Stacy Orrico that just made me soo excited about my new path. It talks about God being strong where I will be weak.

Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out and start again?
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance with me
Please can I have one chance to start again

What a relief it is to know that I can give up my efforts on being bullet proof? I feel so blessed to feel like I can be forgiven and loved in spite of myself.

Will my weakness fall
And now make me suffer for a lifetime?
Is there any way to be made whole again?
If I feel and find forgiveness by the strength I've never had
Will my scars forever ruin all God's plans?

I know that I won’t become a perfect Christian (is there such a thing?). I know I won’t always make the right choices, because I am human.

He took my life into His hands
And turned it all around
In my most desperate circumstance
Is there I'm finally found

But what I DO know for sure is that I am willing. My heart, my spirit and my mind are willing, and I am open to receive the strength that really has never left me. I am willing to take time out and nurture my relationship with God more. It’s not enough to pray, I have to really spend time with him, quality time, like a friend, because that is exactly what he feels like to me.

I am so excited that HE is strong enough.

That You are strong enough
That You are pure enough
To break me, pour me out and start again
That You are brave enough
To take one chance on me,
Oh thank You for my chance to start again

*Playing Sade's Bullet Proof Soul*

Why do relationships get so complicated?

Hit me like a slow bullet
Like a slow bullet
It took me some time to realize it

You keep on thinking
You were the only one
Too busy thinking
Love is a gun

Sometimes when you observe things that happen in a friend's life you wonder what makes them tick. What motivates a person to make choices that they make? How do they get through situations that arise?

Having the supporting role in their scenes, I sometimes have a bird's eye view on their life. A lot of times, I can't help but see it from their viewpoint. Even when someone doesn't handle things like I would have, I can always get the reason behind their decisions.

I have been observing a lot of interesting things about this man I know. He is one of the smartest, talented, and MOST resilient dudes that I have ever met. When it comes to women he has an interesting approach that I admire and admonish all at the same time. It's the polar opposite of my "need to know basis" approach. I think that has been a blessing and a curse for him.

After some pondering, he thought maybe his perception of the opposite sex was all wrong; after all, not ALL females are playing games. They don't always want to pull jedi mind tricks on you to get the emotional upper hand. Sometimes it's ok to stop analyzing and just ENJOY. So he switched off his defense mechanism and he waited. He took things at face value and believed. Initially, he struggled with telling her how he really felt about her. He feared things might change. He fought to keep his cool. Didn't want to break the rules... he wasn’t sure if their association was friends or lovers, or something …else

I was so in love with you
You rarely see a love that's true
Wasn't that enough for you
Wasn't that enough for you
I would climb a mountain
I wouldn't want to see you fall
Rock climb for you
And give you a reason for it all

She said he was special. He wanted to believe that she meant it. Things started to look a lot like a real connection. He thought about letting her in more, just a little. He took baby steps toward the idea of really being with someone. As things started to feel good, things got bumpy. There were misunderstandings left and right, tempers flared, words were exchanged, accusations were made. Painful words brought exit wound number ONE.

So tapping into the resilient reserve, he picks up his ego, dusts off his pride, and checks his emotions. He should have KNOWN better, this woman never hid the fact that she knew how to play it. He was becoming resolved to the fact that it just wasn't meant to be. Fine. Friendship is the new direction. He could dig it, right? Sort of like coming full circle?

Well that didn't sit well because the feelings weren't going away. They couldn’t be stuffed behind jokes, they weren't buried enough below the surface of the quick wit, and eventually the door was re-opened.

Why did he willingly go through the door a second time? What words were spoken to make him forget the first exit wound? I don't really know for sure. It must have felt sincere to him though because the connection seemed to still be there. That undeniable vibe felt good again.

I have an idea of why it brought about amnesia, but really it is speculation. I think there are times when we truly want to believe in someone because the alternative is too painful to think about. Even in your most cynical mind, you never want to think somebody is intentionally trying to hurt you. It's interesting to think back on all the opportunities they each had to check out but they stayed….perhaps still apprehensive, but liking the vibe.

So now things are getting hazy once again, and the clarity that is needed is not forthcoming. The push and pull of things puts him in a daze. Regret, disappointment, and confusion are back once again, as a painful reminder of the first exit wound. Now this time the exit wound hurts more because he helped put it there. Basically he handed over the ammunition, passed the weapon to her, and stood in the line of fire. So exit wound number two is partly his fault.

I know the end before
The story's been told
It's not that complicated
But you're gonna need a bullet proof soul
You keep on thinking
You were the only one
Too busy thinking
Love is a gun

Well, maybe he will learn or maybe there will be round three. Now the thing that is really wanted and needed seems out of reach.... a definitive direction of SOMETHING....Will it be "kiss my ass you ain't my prototype?" OR I care about you and I don't know what to do about it. It's the indecisiveness that eats away at him. Maybe there needs to be a final answer. A purging of some sort. It's funny how the heart doesn't always do what the mind is telling it no matter how hard we try. I am not too worried about him because I know that we are a lot alike. We consider ourselves bullet proof even when the bullets inflict a few ugly exit wounds.

You were trigger happy baby
You never warned me let me free
It's not that complicated
But you're going to need a bullet proof soul
Think you got it but you got all the trouble you need
I came in like a lamb
But I intend to leave like a lion

I have to wonder though, why do people love to play emotional Russian roulette with a loaded weapon? What causes us to forget the first, second, and third exit wounds? Great sex? Strong soul ties? Stupidity? Likka? Combination of all? If I knew why maybe I could find a way to have a bullet proof soul, FOR REAL

It hit me like a slow bullet
It hit me like a slow bullet

My weekend sucked big time!

Now it is time for Mid-terms....pray for a sista!

If you have ever read X's blog you know that she writes from her heart, about REAL stuff. It is incredible to read along, especially when you relate so much to what she says. (and the woman is just damn entertaining!)

Sometimes her comments are even more entertainment. Often times you laugh even harder, or think even deeper because of the comment section that sometimes have little gems buried in them.

One day, after reading Will The Great's comment on X's entry The Good Foot (about what she feared) X had a mini-epiphany and I had my own a ha moment reading THEIR exchange, isn't blogging grand!?

*crossing fingers that X won't thump me for lifting from her blog*

(these are excerpts that stood out to me)

Will: I've always been fearful of success...not failure. Failure is easy. Just don't do shit. LOL But success...with that comes responsibility and I was always the one to run when it came to being responsible for too much. Through the years, my thinking got clearer, and I realized that being responsible for something isn't a bad thing. None of your steps will be perfect...but each one will help you rise.

(Wise thinking: he gets this profound in a comment made off the cuff!)

X: Noooo I'm not afraid of that kind of failure... the failure of inertia... no, no, I'm very comfortable with inertia. LOL That's not even failure to me, other than the failure to even try. What I'm afraid of is TRYING and failing. Oooh, yeah, I have SUCH a problem with that. The thing is, that deep in my heart I know that anything I've really pursued wholeheartedly... I've never failed at. I know my strengths and I know that I CAN, and more than likely WILL succeed in law school... but I'm still afraid to start. *breakthrough moment* *GASP* so maybe it IS success that I fear!!! *hugging Will* Thank you!!! LOL *pulling out list, scratching off failure and replacing it with "success"*

Fear of Flying

Fear of Soaring

Fear of Transcending

I have been saying Let's Get Lifted to everyone who will listen. There are days that I want to go to the next level in my life…The.Next. Level! I say I want this, yet internally I sometimes have anxiety about being successful.

What do I fear about succeeding? EVERY DAMN THING!!

I mean the thought of success in every aspect in my life at times causes my heart to palpitate. It is the weirdest feeling…almost erotic…sort of like that feeling you get anticipating a big O and you know it will feel good, but you worry that it won't be as good as you imagine it to be? Uh, or maybe that's just me, LOL.

Anyway, I used to feel like a total nutcase sometimes, I mean to sit and worry about GOOD things that can happen! At least I DID until I read X & Will's comments... it was great to see someone else identify/articulate what I have been thinking/feeling for years! I had basically just chalked it up to my inner neurotic chick and just figured all I could do is hope that I wasn't headed to lithium laced ice cream treats.

When I think of success in the major aspects of my life, this is my neurotic voice talking:


School - what if I succeed in the program, graduate, land a fabulous job with a high demand and people expect me to deliver? Will I cope with it or will I become another Diana Green?

Job: My supervisor is retiring and they are already asking me if I want to take over the department. Yea it is more money but this gig has NOTHING to do with my career aspirations. I get paid well to do virtually nothing all day. What I am responsible for, I do VERY well. Too well in fact because now they think I want to spear head a department when I would really be selling out for more money. I mean honestly, the first viable job offer, a real gig, that I get out after grad school (next spring), and I will be on the first thing smoking out this piece! Yea I would have a manager title, more money, bigger office, blah blah….that is success right? Well to a certain degree it is, but it ain't always about money (did I just type that?). Well I have anxiety about taking the job and getting stuck here for 25 years like my predecessor (bless her heart).

Family: I know I would make a fabulous mother, and I am even considering being a foster mom or adopting a child after grad school. What if I am too good of a mother and jack the kid up with my constant inundation of education, culture, and religion?

Marriage: I love the IDEA of being married and being a wife. I love the commitment, romance, conflict resolution (I hear make up sex is the bestest), bonding, praying, and loving each other. My fear is being a wife that devotes all my energy into being perfect for my man and neglect my own existence. Like, if my hub were to get a job that required us to relocate and I agree to go (cause that is what a good wife would do) and I end up resenting him and becoming miserable wife. See? Irrational!!

Relationships: I want a relationship. I do. I want that one special person to call my own, to depend on, to relate to, to be supportive of them. What if my relationship is successful and it leads to marriage!? Successful relationships do that, don't they? Why would I fear that!? – actually I am stumped on that, so that goes in the Deconstructing Diva pile for further analysis later. LOL

Friends: having great friends can be such a beautiful thing. People within your circle of trust that uplift you, encourage you, cheer you on. What if the friendship is so great and I am lulled into a false sense of security and BAM, it backfires!? (you see the pattern by now, right?)


Career: Having a successful career can bring expectations from people. People look to see what you will do NEXT. I make V-P, then they wonder when I become CEO. I become CEO, people ask when I will start my own business, THE PRESSURE. What about the people who I know personally or work with? Will they like me when I am on top and successful? Then there is the guilt factor. Feeling bad for having so much. It is so weird how I feel antsy whenever I see the cleaning lady in my building. Here I am in this expensive ass place and she is sweeping the floors. I always overkill it when I see her. I make SURE to speak every time I see her, asking her about her family. I am interested now, but initially I just wanted her to know that I wasn’t some uppity wench that passes her each day without noticing her. Then there is my family members, the ones who are still struggling in the hood. My cousins have a different upbringing than I did so their opportunities weren't the same as mine. I feel GUILTY sometimes about THAT. *smh*

Emotional life: What if I conquered my fear of success and stopped creating unnecessary stress and pressure? How does it feel to have a successful emotional life? Really I just wanna stay medication free…let's not ask for too much.

Physical Health: What do I fear about becoming finer? I am vain enough to worry about losing my weapons of mass distraction (hangs head in shame). This in no way excuses my lackluster exercise routine that I got going. I definitely should focus on being healthy more, and stop worrying about a perfect body. I like what I am working with, I just need to upgrade!

Spiritual life: this really is the MOST important to me. Success in my spiritual life signifies the start of me letting go of ALL my fears and putting my concerns aside because I have FAITH. Faith that I have the wherewithal to continue to seek God's guidance in each of the aforementioned aspects. I worry about not being spiritual enough to do this consistently. Lately, there have been too many days when my faith is shaky, this is something that I plan to address. I have a couple of ideas how, and I am working on a plan for that. I am excited about it too!

So there you have it, the "Wise Diva" is a closet chronic worrier sometimes.... Sometimes I have a Totally Irrational. Completely Neurotic FEAR OF FLYING…..and I pray that eventually, I won't be afraid to soar…higher...and higher...to the NEXT LEVEL.

....That I’m a blogger, and I am sensitive about my shit!

I read a blog of this woman I know recently. She was talking about the song Cater 2 U. According to her, “this song is about totally loving a man to the point where all you want to do is spoil him”

Ok. I can see where she gets that message in the song. She went on to say that she believed that often times the women who don’t like this song are emotionally bankrupt after bad relationships.

At first I took what she said wrong. After all, I was a woman she knew. Then I thought about it. I had mentioned that the lyrics to the song irked me in a recent blog post, and it was strategically placed in the entry to explain why I didn’t care for it.

I don’t think I accurately depicted what it is about that song that makes me cringe: My Life Would Be Purposeless Without You. Now when I am in love, I know that I will feel as if I was put here on earth to be this man’s wife. I DON'T WANT TO EVER feel like without him, I have NO purpose. This is why the song gets under my skin. That line spins the entire song into the wrong direction for me.

The thing is, I have catered to people, especially men before. I have drawn baths, given massages, cooked meals, bought clothes, paid bills, sexed him good, and made him feel like the KING. The problem?

I DIDN’T CATER TO ME FIRST!!

I have read through all my blog entries trying to see where in my blog I have talked about positive experiences I have had with men. Maybe I do come across as a man hating, emotionally bankrupt, and incapable of loving type of chick. That certainly has not been my intent. In all my entries, I wanted to show that my role in things was instrumental in how things unfolded. I am not in any way blaming all the drama that I endured on THEM. The reason being, it’s NOT about them. It’s about me. It’s always about me. When I didn’t love ME enough I cheated myself. I allowed things to happen because I didn’t know what it meant to love myself. That is, by far, the WORST offense then anybody could ever do to me.

The Cater2U lyrics represent a part of me that I had to let go until I realized what it meant to truly be in love with ME.

I have felt deep resentment but it really is just for one man, not all men. I used to play Chante Moore’s song BITTER, mainly because it helped me realize that it’s normal to feel hurt and pain after going through what I went through with my first love:

I'm just gonna speak from my heart
This song ain't about every man
But sometimes when you have had your heart broken
And there's pain
You gotta let it out exactly how you feeling it
I realize right now I'm just bitter

I remember the times we shared and I
Remember the long phone calls at night
You used to say the sweetest things
But today my phone rings and I wish
That you would just stop talking
I just can't take this anymore
You broke my heart and I know for sure
You're not the man I thought you was
Compromised myself enough
Now it's time to stop living this lie now

Don't follow me home nigga
Stop ringing my phone nigga
Just leave me alone nigga
I wish you well but
Right now I'm just bitter

Why did you come into my life
You didn't plan to do me right
If you didn't mean forever more
Why'd you get with me for?
No free nook that's not yours anymore, no, no

Don't follow me home nigga
Stop ringing my phone nigga
Just leave me alone nigga
I wish you well but
Right now I'm just bitter

Don't follow me home nigga
Stop ringing my phone nigga
Just leave me alone nigga
I wish you well but
Right now I'm just bitter

You make me sick nigga
I ain't your dog nigga
You made me write this song nigga
I wish you well but
I'm gonna find another nigga

I still harbor resentment towards HIM, and I know that I didn’t deserve to be treated the way he treated me. I do have bruises from that situation that didn't fade with the physical ones. These bruises are fading though, and they will go away in my own time, when I heal....I look forward to that day.

So I suppose everyone interprets music in their own way based on their own perceptions and experiences. I don’t knock every song about catering to your man. I actually love that song by Chante Moore & Kenny Latimore, Things That Lovers Do. I suppose that is closer to what I consider romance and commitment and catering to the love of your life. I can’t wait to do the things that lovers do! I know I am far from being emotionally bankrupt, I give love to myself, and my friends and family, and when the RIGHT man comes along, he will get catered to because that's what lovers do.

Ok so basically, last Friday was a thinly veiled attempt at yet another pity party. Thank goodness for blogs because I read what I wrote and realized enough is enough.

I mean yes, the groove of yesterday (figuratively speaking) was indeed a nice one. I had been soaring high on good grades, new romance potentials, a positive perception of my alleged sister (still trying to figure out who she is, she isn't the chick I grew up with), an effective exercise program, blah blah blah. Great, things were copacetic up until May and then things got complicated. Woe is me, my life hit a rough patch, so what do I do? I dwell on it way too much, and get a bit too introspective, and sometimes overly dramatic.....at the same time, I also endure, survive, learn, grow and move on. It does me NO good to wallow in pity any longer. Sometimes, RESILIENCE is the name of this game called life.

Normally my birthday brings on funky moods and depressing thoughts, so granted, the non-copacetic turn of events were badly timed with my diva day. Thankfully this year as my birthday passed, things took a turn for the better. At the conclusion of my birthday celebrations, I was determined to get out of my funk. I spent my birthday with people who love me and appreciate my friendship. I was given flowers, cards, dinners, a fun filled birthday gathering (with crablegs from heaven!) and some lovely gifts. But most of all I received love and attention. I rarely ask for these things from my friends and family so when my birthday comes around, I shy away from the "what do you want to do for your birthday?" inquiries and generally just ask for face time with people who are important to me. I was not disappointed this year because not only was I given LOTS of love and attention, but it occurred to me that some people REALLY like me. It goes beyond that "diva is a cool chick" kinda thing… no people LOVE me, faults and all. When I am stubborn, cranky, irritable, funny, witty, intelligent, spiritual, silly, or being a typical diva, I am accepted by them. I don't know why it took this birthday to realize it but I am truly blessed to know some wonderful people and being accepted felt kinda great.

I used to think that acceptance from people other than blood relatives was virtually impossible. A long time ago, it seemed as if I always gravitated towards bullshit people that made me second guess who I was, and I allowed it, repeatedly. So as I got older, and transformed myself into a diva, I sort of thought that I would lose friends, and I certainly didn't expect to make many new ones. I started to project a tough shell, complete with a jazzy mouth, and pit bull in a skirt persona to keep the BS artists at bay. Now I can see the secret may be out, especially with my dear friends because they say that they know I am a big ole softie. (but I ain't no punk!!)

I think, in retrospect, I have been overcompensating for that scared young girl that had no self-esteem. The one that was a doormat for people. The one inflicted with PPD: People Pleasing Disease. The girl who was terrified of letting people down and feared that if I didn't make EVERYONE else happy, then they would not accept me, and certainly not love me. That girl who landed in abusive, controlling, one-sided relationships where I had no voice. My fear of becoming THAT girl again, has kept me edgy.

I don't know yet if I can fuse the innocent, loving girl who thought there was good in everyone with the older less tolerant of BS version of Wise Diva. I still don't trust some people for shit. I will always calculate risks and be cautious, but I admit that I am happiest when I open up to people who I trust. I think there is a lot to be said for love and acceptance from people who you accept and love.

Well, changing grooves is exciting now. It really is my attitude and outlook on life that makes up the rhythm. I know that the rhythm of my life is up to me so not only can I change the channel, I can alter my groove to move me forward. My new groove is already moving me to great heights. It's an older version of my young groove but I am so excited with the possibilities that this new groove is bringing. This groove makes me feel like its ok to make mistakes as long as I learn from them; it moves me to forgive people faster; it strikes a chord to have more compassion; it resonates with me to understand the motivation behind people's actions.

This new groove is mine, I will put my name all over it. I am even building a soundtrack to it. Diva's New Groove – Summer 2005 Edition, after all, it IS a work in progress, just like me.

.....to that powerful voice that he had

.....to his soothing sound that seemed to embrace and caress your heart

.....to the seduction he provided to many love scenes, real OR imagined

.....to his legacy that spans over decades, genres, and races

There will never be another Luther (yes, that includes American Idol's Velvet Teddy Bear).

Few artists gave as much as he did to his fans.

I will forever be thankful for his music, his voice, his gift.

Rest In Peace, Luther

Yesterday I had groove, a groove that soothed my soul.

I'm Stuck in Yesterday's Groove. I feel like my spirit is stuck in yesterday's happiness, past month's bliss, and last year's contentment. I have to remember what it feels like to laugh so hard my abs hurt. It seems like forever since I had a new idea, felt a new emotion, craved a new object of desire. My inertia is spiraling me into a mental time machine that rushes me back to a happier time... a simpler life.. and a more peaceful existence.

The daily grind can get to you if you let it. If you don't stop to smell the scent of your success, taste the fruit of your labor, you can miss a beat and before you know it, your groove is gone, or it has changed so much you don't even recognize the new sound. You may not even like it. You begin to reflect on your old self. You realize that it's been eons since you looked at your own face in the mirror. I mean really looked at your face. I find myself late for work some mornings not particularly caring to be prompt. That's not really like me. I feel uninspired to withstand the routine that my life has become. I find myself slacking in all things that I usually tend to with great passion and fervor. My rhythm... my groove..feels like it is being felt by somebody else...being played by some other force. For some reason, I haven't felt strong enough to reclaim it or make my groove my own again.

All this time, while I have been meticulously planning a fabulous life, I have missed being still enough to feel the new groove that my life is moving to now. I read somewhere that life transforms us, whether we acknowledge it or not, with or without our permission. So it would be wise to savor it.... seize it...appreciate it.. choose it. Maybe yesterday's groove was supposed to end so I can find a new one. Maybe this time my groove will be richer, deeper, full of resonance. This groove will have me savoring life more and loving it.