Bullet Proof Soul

I haven't addressed my spiritual side before on my blog. Honestly, there are days when I felt overwhelmed with the idea of sharing something that I consider to be THAT personal..but the blog is a representation of who I am, so it just makes sense that I talk about this aspect of my life. IT is never far from my mind, I just don't write about it much..lately though I feel a change stirring. Slowly, yet surely.

Undergoing a spiritual makeover can be so exciting. The journey that I have started has taken on a life of it’s own. I haven’t found myself attending a particular church or taking an actual Bible study class because it isn’t religion I am seeking right now. What I want to do is strengthen my spiritual muscles so that I can establish a closer relationship with God.

Being a pastor’s kid seems to have been a double edged sword in my life. On one hand I learned about God from an early age, always attended Christian schools, went to church ALL THE TIME. ..and basically I was inundated with religion, theology, and the bible. This was the great thing.

At the same time, I witnessed the most gully, back-biting, evil-spirited, hypocritical behavior of so-called Christians within the Church. From the church headquarters down to the small church that I attended from time to time when I was away from dad’s church.

I suppose when my father had problems with his particular church leaders I had a serious distaste for organized religion. For one, the church leader was like an uncle to me growing up. His daughters were my friends and my sister and I loved spending time with them. So the disillusionment that I felt from the ordeal with my father and the church was far-reaching in my mind. I am still grappling with old feelings of resentment over that whole thing.

I just can’t continue to use that as an excuse. My spiritual foundation stopped being built back when that went down. I told myself that I was fine without that element of Faith but the reality is, I miss it. I miss learning about ways to cope with life using my faith. I miss having a place to rejoice and praise and give thanks. I miss having a safe haven to unload my burdens. This void has manifested its way in my life in so many ways.

Now that I see how my lack of church attendance has stunted my spiritual growth, I am looking at ways to redirect my spiritual journey.

I was listening to a song by Stacy Orrico that just made me soo excited about my new path. It talks about God being strong where I will be weak.

Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out and start again?
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance with me
Please can I have one chance to start again

What a relief it is to know that I can give up my efforts on being bullet proof? I feel so blessed to feel like I can be forgiven and loved in spite of myself.

Will my weakness fall
And now make me suffer for a lifetime?
Is there any way to be made whole again?
If I feel and find forgiveness by the strength I've never had
Will my scars forever ruin all God's plans?

I know that I won’t become a perfect Christian (is there such a thing?). I know I won’t always make the right choices, because I am human.

He took my life into His hands
And turned it all around
In my most desperate circumstance
Is there I'm finally found

But what I DO know for sure is that I am willing. My heart, my spirit and my mind are willing, and I am open to receive the strength that really has never left me. I am willing to take time out and nurture my relationship with God more. It’s not enough to pray, I have to really spend time with him, quality time, like a friend, because that is exactly what he feels like to me.

I am so excited that HE is strong enough.

That You are strong enough
That You are pure enough
To break me, pour me out and start again
That You are brave enough
To take one chance on me,
Oh thank You for my chance to start again