Changing Channels
Ok so basically, last Friday was a thinly veiled attempt at yet another pity party. Thank goodness for blogs because I read what I wrote and realized enough is enough.
I mean yes, the groove of yesterday (figuratively speaking) was indeed a nice one. I had been soaring high on good grades, new romance potentials, a positive perception of my alleged sister (still trying to figure out who she is, she isn't the chick I grew up with), an effective exercise program, blah blah blah. Great, things were copacetic up until May and then things got complicated. Woe is me, my life hit a rough patch, so what do I do? I dwell on it way too much, and get a bit too introspective, and sometimes overly dramatic.....at the same time, I also endure, survive, learn, grow and move on. It does me NO good to wallow in pity any longer. Sometimes, RESILIENCE is the name of this game called life.
Normally my birthday brings on funky moods and depressing thoughts, so granted, the non-copacetic turn of events were badly timed with my diva day. Thankfully this year as my birthday passed, things took a turn for the better. At the conclusion of my birthday celebrations, I was determined to get out of my funk. I spent my birthday with people who love me and appreciate my friendship. I was given flowers, cards, dinners, a fun filled birthday gathering (with crablegs from heaven!) and some lovely gifts. But most of all I received love and attention. I rarely ask for these things from my friends and family so when my birthday comes around, I shy away from the "what do you want to do for your birthday?" inquiries and generally just ask for face time with people who are important to me. I was not disappointed this year because not only was I given LOTS of love and attention, but it occurred to me that some people REALLY like me. It goes beyond that "diva is a cool chick" kinda thing… no people LOVE me, faults and all. When I am stubborn, cranky, irritable, funny, witty, intelligent, spiritual, silly, or being a typical diva, I am accepted by them. I don't know why it took this birthday to realize it but I am truly blessed to know some wonderful people and being accepted felt kinda great.
I used to think that acceptance from people other than blood relatives was virtually impossible. A long time ago, it seemed as if I always gravitated towards bullshit people that made me second guess who I was, and I allowed it, repeatedly. So as I got older, and transformed myself into a diva, I sort of thought that I would lose friends, and I certainly didn't expect to make many new ones. I started to project a tough shell, complete with a jazzy mouth, and pit bull in a skirt persona to keep the BS artists at bay. Now I can see the secret may be out, especially with my dear friends because they say that they know I am a big ole softie. (but I ain't no punk!!)
I think, in retrospect, I have been overcompensating for that scared young girl that had no self-esteem. The one that was a doormat for people. The one inflicted with PPD: People Pleasing Disease. The girl who was terrified of letting people down and feared that if I didn't make EVERYONE else happy, then they would not accept me, and certainly not love me. That girl who landed in abusive, controlling, one-sided relationships where I had no voice. My fear of becoming THAT girl again, has kept me edgy.
I don't know yet if I can fuse the innocent, loving girl who thought there was good in everyone with the older less tolerant of BS version of Wise Diva. I still don't trust some people for shit. I will always calculate risks and be cautious, but I admit that I am happiest when I open up to people who I trust. I think there is a lot to be said for love and acceptance from people who you accept and love.
Well, changing grooves is exciting now. It really is my attitude and outlook on life that makes up the rhythm. I know that the rhythm of my life is up to me so not only can I change the channel, I can alter my groove to move me forward. My new groove is already moving me to great heights. It's an older version of my young groove but I am so excited with the possibilities that this new groove is bringing. This groove makes me feel like its ok to make mistakes as long as I learn from them; it moves me to forgive people faster; it strikes a chord to have more compassion; it resonates with me to understand the motivation behind people's actions.
This new groove is mine, I will put my name all over it. I am even building a soundtrack to it. Diva's New Groove – Summer 2005 Edition, after all, it IS a work in progress, just like me.
I mean yes, the groove of yesterday (figuratively speaking) was indeed a nice one. I had been soaring high on good grades, new romance potentials, a positive perception of my alleged sister (still trying to figure out who she is, she isn't the chick I grew up with), an effective exercise program, blah blah blah. Great, things were copacetic up until May and then things got complicated. Woe is me, my life hit a rough patch, so what do I do? I dwell on it way too much, and get a bit too introspective, and sometimes overly dramatic.....at the same time, I also endure, survive, learn, grow and move on. It does me NO good to wallow in pity any longer. Sometimes, RESILIENCE is the name of this game called life.
Normally my birthday brings on funky moods and depressing thoughts, so granted, the non-copacetic turn of events were badly timed with my diva day. Thankfully this year as my birthday passed, things took a turn for the better. At the conclusion of my birthday celebrations, I was determined to get out of my funk. I spent my birthday with people who love me and appreciate my friendship. I was given flowers, cards, dinners, a fun filled birthday gathering (with crablegs from heaven!) and some lovely gifts. But most of all I received love and attention. I rarely ask for these things from my friends and family so when my birthday comes around, I shy away from the "what do you want to do for your birthday?" inquiries and generally just ask for face time with people who are important to me. I was not disappointed this year because not only was I given LOTS of love and attention, but it occurred to me that some people REALLY like me. It goes beyond that "diva is a cool chick" kinda thing… no people LOVE me, faults and all. When I am stubborn, cranky, irritable, funny, witty, intelligent, spiritual, silly, or being a typical diva, I am accepted by them. I don't know why it took this birthday to realize it but I am truly blessed to know some wonderful people and being accepted felt kinda great.
I used to think that acceptance from people other than blood relatives was virtually impossible. A long time ago, it seemed as if I always gravitated towards bullshit people that made me second guess who I was, and I allowed it, repeatedly. So as I got older, and transformed myself into a diva, I sort of thought that I would lose friends, and I certainly didn't expect to make many new ones. I started to project a tough shell, complete with a jazzy mouth, and pit bull in a skirt persona to keep the BS artists at bay. Now I can see the secret may be out, especially with my dear friends because they say that they know I am a big ole softie. (but I ain't no punk!!)
I think, in retrospect, I have been overcompensating for that scared young girl that had no self-esteem. The one that was a doormat for people. The one inflicted with PPD: People Pleasing Disease. The girl who was terrified of letting people down and feared that if I didn't make EVERYONE else happy, then they would not accept me, and certainly not love me. That girl who landed in abusive, controlling, one-sided relationships where I had no voice. My fear of becoming THAT girl again, has kept me edgy.
I don't know yet if I can fuse the innocent, loving girl who thought there was good in everyone with the older less tolerant of BS version of Wise Diva. I still don't trust some people for shit. I will always calculate risks and be cautious, but I admit that I am happiest when I open up to people who I trust. I think there is a lot to be said for love and acceptance from people who you accept and love.
Well, changing grooves is exciting now. It really is my attitude and outlook on life that makes up the rhythm. I know that the rhythm of my life is up to me so not only can I change the channel, I can alter my groove to move me forward. My new groove is already moving me to great heights. It's an older version of my young groove but I am so excited with the possibilities that this new groove is bringing. This groove makes me feel like its ok to make mistakes as long as I learn from them; it moves me to forgive people faster; it strikes a chord to have more compassion; it resonates with me to understand the motivation behind people's actions.
This new groove is mine, I will put my name all over it. I am even building a soundtrack to it. Diva's New Groove – Summer 2005 Edition, after all, it IS a work in progress, just like me.
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