B.S. I LOVE YOU
It's interesting to think back over past relationships and realize how easily the L word was tossed out. I think that people sometimes misspeak about love, mistaking it for infatuation, lust, desire, or wanting something that they can't have.
I haven't had a "perfect time" that these words were said to me for the first time yet, because each time I have heard I love you from a romantic interest, it always catches me off guard which leads to the MOST AWKWARD MOMENT. I can easily say it to friends or family, but saying it to the one who holds my heart has always been a slow, slow process. I usually reserve it for a time when I have felt something on a deeper level, and I don't mean something **cough big cough** deep between my legs either...(although that sure can have you love-confused too)
I have thought about why it takes me so long to admit that I love someone, and funny enough it goes waaay back to my very first boyfriend (FB). He was very athletic, played all sports, and we were on the gymnastics team together. We were the only brown kids at the boarding school, so naturally we gravitated to each other. I think that made us cling to each other more for this reason. He would tell me that we were going to get married, have babies, and open our own gym to train Olympic hopefuls. We would talk for hours and hours about our future. FB was the first guy I ever considered to be my boyfriend, in the traditional sense of the word. We were inseparable. When we graduated, I stayed home to help my parents with their recovery from the drunk driver accident a year before. He went on to college, while I deferred my freshman year (I later transferred to the same school Sophomore year). FB said he didn't want to end our relationship and he thought we could endure being apart for a school year. I was so young and naïve, I thought we could too. We all know how things change when you leave home and go to college, it’s a Different World.
**Didn't this happen to Lance and Charmaine, only the other way around?! LOL**
So many beautiful, intelligent people, new experiences, new interests await you in college. He quickly realized that being attached during freshman year was like café food, it's great if you have no other options. Well he had plenty of options and it wasn't long before I visited him on campus to surprise him, and found him sitting in the quad with another girl. I was hurt, embarrassed, and disappointed, and at the time it felt like my world had imploded. I played it off and didn't confront him in public. When I caught up with him later we had a fight, or rather, I cussed and cried and he looked at me as if I was an alien.
I yelled, "I thought you loved me?"
He said, "I only said I did because you said it first!"
Ouch! He was right though, when I was younger I fell in love easily, and I had no trepidation about saying it, showing it, or proving it. It was a time to be more free, more open and carefree with my heart. I gladly handed it over without substantiating anything, and I think that was quite apropos for the age that I was.
Now as I grow older, (and older) I learned a lot about hearing and saying I love you:
It's a BS I Love You if:
It is only said while climaxing
If it is said by a person that is consistently selfish
If it is said by a person who utters it expressly to get something from you: sex, money, power, attention, etc.
*sigh* Maan, the things I went through to learn all that!! Live and Learn!!
A lot of times when we say we love something, it usually means that we want something out of it.
For example, I say that I love reading blogs because it brings me insight, or provokes thought, or offers comfort, or it could even bring a certain thrill or excitement. The problem is we do the same thing with each other, loving people on what they can give us, but that isn't true love. True love is not selfish.
I didn't realize that FB and our puppy love even affected me like that. Since that time, I never said I love you to a man before he said it to me. I suppose that feeling of rejection from FB was enough for me to hold back till I was sure the guy said it first, as if that was some sort of protection for my feelings, when things came undone. I remember Fireman said it to me two months into our relationship. He was upset that I didn't say it back. I told him I would say it when I truly felt it, and I appreciated that he said it to me but it really bothered me that he was rushing things so fast. I was afraid that he would be leaving anytime after that. I started to question whether he would get past the infatuation stage with me. I just wanted to take things slow, and he said he understood, but maybe he didn't really. . I am not sure if that contributed to him checking out on me, but I suspect it didn't help matters much.
It's weird because it feels so great to hear, but I don't want to hear I love you if it is BS I Love You. Don't say you love me if you are not going to stay. Save those words for the moment when you are ready to step up and show me as well as tell me that we are going to be together. So really, I suppose I don't struggle with saying/hearing the words themselves. It is the commitment that’s expected when those three words are used together. Love is more than just a feeling. There is a huge commitment involved when you tell someone you love them. A certain set of actions is expected. Don't try to give this feeling of forever because I'll only start to believe it, and with that belief, comes expectations. You toss around the L word, you need to make it real, and it really is that simple.
When I fall in love and my heart tells me it's real, I probably won't have a problem saying it first. I won't be stressing that it will bite me in the ass later. I won't care. I will shout it out, broadcast it, blog it, and tell anyone who listens that I love that man. I won't have apprehension, trepidation, or fear, I will have no problem saying I love you, because it will be real.
I haven't had a "perfect time" that these words were said to me for the first time yet, because each time I have heard I love you from a romantic interest, it always catches me off guard which leads to the MOST AWKWARD MOMENT. I can easily say it to friends or family, but saying it to the one who holds my heart has always been a slow, slow process. I usually reserve it for a time when I have felt something on a deeper level, and I don't mean something **cough big cough** deep between my legs either...(although that sure can have you love-confused too)
I have thought about why it takes me so long to admit that I love someone, and funny enough it goes waaay back to my very first boyfriend (FB). He was very athletic, played all sports, and we were on the gymnastics team together. We were the only brown kids at the boarding school, so naturally we gravitated to each other. I think that made us cling to each other more for this reason. He would tell me that we were going to get married, have babies, and open our own gym to train Olympic hopefuls. We would talk for hours and hours about our future. FB was the first guy I ever considered to be my boyfriend, in the traditional sense of the word. We were inseparable. When we graduated, I stayed home to help my parents with their recovery from the drunk driver accident a year before. He went on to college, while I deferred my freshman year (I later transferred to the same school Sophomore year). FB said he didn't want to end our relationship and he thought we could endure being apart for a school year. I was so young and naïve, I thought we could too. We all know how things change when you leave home and go to college, it’s a Different World.
**Didn't this happen to Lance and Charmaine, only the other way around?! LOL**
So many beautiful, intelligent people, new experiences, new interests await you in college. He quickly realized that being attached during freshman year was like café food, it's great if you have no other options. Well he had plenty of options and it wasn't long before I visited him on campus to surprise him, and found him sitting in the quad with another girl. I was hurt, embarrassed, and disappointed, and at the time it felt like my world had imploded. I played it off and didn't confront him in public. When I caught up with him later we had a fight, or rather, I cussed and cried and he looked at me as if I was an alien.
I yelled, "I thought you loved me?"
He said, "I only said I did because you said it first!"
Ouch! He was right though, when I was younger I fell in love easily, and I had no trepidation about saying it, showing it, or proving it. It was a time to be more free, more open and carefree with my heart. I gladly handed it over without substantiating anything, and I think that was quite apropos for the age that I was.
Now as I grow older, (and older) I learned a lot about hearing and saying I love you:
It's a BS I Love You if:
It is only said while climaxing
If it is said by a person that is consistently selfish
If it is said by a person who utters it expressly to get something from you: sex, money, power, attention, etc.
*sigh* Maan, the things I went through to learn all that!! Live and Learn!!
A lot of times when we say we love something, it usually means that we want something out of it.
For example, I say that I love reading blogs because it brings me insight, or provokes thought, or offers comfort, or it could even bring a certain thrill or excitement. The problem is we do the same thing with each other, loving people on what they can give us, but that isn't true love. True love is not selfish.
I didn't realize that FB and our puppy love even affected me like that. Since that time, I never said I love you to a man before he said it to me. I suppose that feeling of rejection from FB was enough for me to hold back till I was sure the guy said it first, as if that was some sort of protection for my feelings, when things came undone. I remember Fireman said it to me two months into our relationship. He was upset that I didn't say it back. I told him I would say it when I truly felt it, and I appreciated that he said it to me but it really bothered me that he was rushing things so fast. I was afraid that he would be leaving anytime after that. I started to question whether he would get past the infatuation stage with me. I just wanted to take things slow, and he said he understood, but maybe he didn't really. . I am not sure if that contributed to him checking out on me, but I suspect it didn't help matters much.
It's weird because it feels so great to hear, but I don't want to hear I love you if it is BS I Love You. Don't say you love me if you are not going to stay. Save those words for the moment when you are ready to step up and show me as well as tell me that we are going to be together. So really, I suppose I don't struggle with saying/hearing the words themselves. It is the commitment that’s expected when those three words are used together. Love is more than just a feeling. There is a huge commitment involved when you tell someone you love them. A certain set of actions is expected. Don't try to give this feeling of forever because I'll only start to believe it, and with that belief, comes expectations. You toss around the L word, you need to make it real, and it really is that simple.
When I fall in love and my heart tells me it's real, I probably won't have a problem saying it first. I won't be stressing that it will bite me in the ass later. I won't care. I will shout it out, broadcast it, blog it, and tell anyone who listens that I love that man. I won't have apprehension, trepidation, or fear, I will have no problem saying I love you, because it will be real.
Proverbs 4:23
Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life
1 Timothy 1:5 (NIV)
The goal of this command is love, which comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith.
1 Corinthians 13:4
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
John 15:13
Greater love has no one than this that he lay down his life for his friends.
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