Bullet Proof Soul

(…not in the good way either.)
If I am not a Caucasian female who is pregnant or engaged to be married to a wealthy man and my ass comes up missing? I. Am. Screwed.

A missing local Georgia woman has received local AND NATIONAL coverage because she has not been seen since she left her home in her “safe” neighborhood to go jogging. She was due to marry "up" this weekend. I truly hope that this turns out to be a case of cold feet and that scarecrow looking chick turns up alive and well.

I know I should be used to it. I know it shouldn’t shock or awe my ass but the blatant way black lives are still clearly valued far less than our white counterparts still irks the shit out of me.

I can immediately recall numerous cases of black women who were reported missing and there were no helicopter searches, little or no media coverage, and God help the poor woman if she was a hooker or known drug user. I know we all got the email of the sista who was missing and her family was upset about how much help they received (or didn’t receive) when getting the word out.

Now its arguable why certain stories are picked up and some are not. I can hear people say the sensationalism of journalism wants the most “intriguing” angle to appeal to viewers. I call bullshit. If you are white, female, wealthy, attractive, etc. shit sure lines up a WHOLE lot nicer for your ass if you come up missing.

Living on my own again has made me realize that I need to be careful of my routine. I should take different routes home, arrive at varying times, and watch my surroundings because there is nobody at my crib that would be alert to the fact that my black ass didn’t make it. Who knows how long it would take before people even realize I ain’t blogging, working, or arriving to scheduled appointments. I love my new place, It takes me NINE minutes to get to work, I can jog in my neighborhood if the mood hits (clearly I would not do that at night), but God help me if my black ass comes up missing because I would be SCREWED!

How I managed to catch the eye of a cute guy in the middle of my moving day is beyond me. I was looking a hot mess! Hair pulled back, no makeup, jogging suit, and sweaty! I am sitting in my car at a stoplight and my windows are down, music blaring Destiny Child’s FREE (because that is exactly how I feel now) and this cute guy in a truck smiles at me. He winks (I forgave him for that)..and he asks,

“Are you singing to me?”

I turn my music down and ask him to repeat what he said. He does and I started laughing and replied: “Um no, not really”.

He says: “Well I was hoping you were, can I hop in your car so you can sing to me then?"

I replied: “There is no room, I am moving and my car is filled with stuff.”

He said: “Well I can help you.”

I said, “Well thanks but I am done, now.”

We talk for a minute longer (for once I am not twitching at a long stop light!) and he asks for my phone number. Now since this is the exact way I met psycho cop (more on him later), you would think I have hesitated on that, but noooo. I would like to blame it on exhaustion, distraction, or some equally lame excuse, but the truth is his smile and personality charmed me. (HA!)

So, I really didn’t expect him to call but he surprised me. He called twice yesterday. I missed the first call, but he got me the second time. He had a really nice voice, and I detected a slight accent. I told him that I failed to ask a VERY important question: Are you married? He laughs and says no, he wasn’t married and he had been seeing a stewardess but that didn’t work out because she was “always in the air”. So it turns out he is from Puerto Rico and will be going back home in the next six months. He was here on a work visa working in some job that involved interpreting Spanish. He asked that dreaded question, why is someone as beautiful as you single? I really don’t know how to answer that without sounding trite, so I just said, well grad school and working full-time has me busy, so I really have not put a lot of energy into dating lately. He offered to help me unpack and check out my new digs, and I told him that I have to see if he is not a serial killer first. He said he understood, and then asked me out in a public place, and I agreed. He wants to get together Saturday afternoon to hang out. He said he would be going to Athens but would be back in town Wednesday and would call me back (gave a time to expect his call, and we would set things up. It felt nice to be talking to a cool new guy. This summer is going to be fun! New digs, new prospects, I am going to have a ball!

Update on graduate school, the teacher from hell (who doesn’t give A’s) gave me a great compliment on my research paper, of course the punk STILL gave me 1 point below an A! I hope I don’t get him for any more courses…sorry sucka!

I got dirty this weekend…sweaty, funky, and dirty! I broke 4 nails! No, this was not from an Olympic style, headboard banging, steamy, dirty tryst (but that would be hot!). I spent the entire weekend packing, moving, and unpacking. I moved into a beautiful brand new condo, in the coolest area near the city and I am in HEAVEN!

I was so proud of myself for doing everything in 3 days, especially since I had done NO planning for this move. I am anal when it comes to planning things of this magnitude. I have to know an itinerary, people contacted, money allotted. This time, due to a huge project for class, little pre-planning effort was put into this move and by Friday at 4 I was FREAKING OUT! Nobody I called Thursday to request their truck called me back, I had not reserved a moving truck, and I was not even able to tell the friends who were offering to help me what time and where I needed help!

Ok so after being calmed down by Kendeezy, I focused on plan B. I called Krypt! Now, he does not have a great track record for reliability with me, so the anxiety I had for the move didn’t completely dissipate, but at least he agreed to help me and bring friends. During the conversation Krypt said he thinks we need to “work on us” so we can go ahead and start planning a wedding. (how we get on this topic is beyond me).

So with a somewhat confirmed moving crew, I proceeded to get a truck, for the next day with NO reservation. I walk in to a Public Storage office and this really sweet married couple was working there. The husband noticed my Alabama license plate (yea I am riding dirty since ’99!) and he said he was from Alabama too. Well, not only did he turn out to be from my home state, he actually grew up in my parent’s neighborhood, attended the same high school as my mom and dad! He knew my grandmother and grandfather too! What a small world. They hooked me up with a reservation and the wife even got a reduction on the truck rental using my insurance card. I felt great leaving there, knowing things were shaping up for me after all.

I spent Saturday afternoon, taking small items to the condo, and then I went to pick up the moving truck. Now, I have a fear for driving big things so imagine my stress at driving a big moving truck on the windiest day of the month! I did it though, and didn’t get one scratch on it! I am so proud of myself for that!

Well Krypt came through for me (guess he is trying to score points with me) and he brought along his buddies who asked him repeatedly, why he hasn't married me yet. (LOL). After they were done, I thanked them and offered to pay them but they said Krypt was going to pay them, which means he is going to expect payment from me, in coochie currency, I’m sure.

I am exhausted but extremely happy and proud of myself. As girlie as I am, I can get dirty when I have to. I am woman hear me ROAR!

My career shero is Myrtle Potter. This lady has got to be bad to the BONE, do you hear me? Homegirl is a high ranking executive in one of the oldest biotechnology companies in the US. She has the MOST impressive resume: Check it!

Potter joined Genentech in 2000 as executive vice president and chief operating officer. Prior to joining Genentech, Potter was president of Bristol-Myers Squibb's U.S. Cardiovascular/Metabolics business unit. Potter joined Bristol-Myers Squibb in 1996 as vice president, Strategy and Economics. She was promoted to group vice president, Worldwide Medicines Group, and then to senior vice president of Sales, U.S. Cardiovascular/Metabolics, before becoming president of that business unit.

Before joining Bristol-Myers Squibb, Potter spent 14 years at Merck & Company in a variety of sales, marketing and business planning roles. She was vice president of the Northeast Region Business Group from 1993 to 1996. She also was one of the architects of the Astra/Merck joint venture and led the work that set Prilosec on pace to be one of the biggest pharmaceutical products in the world.

Potter was recognized in 2003 and 2004 in FORTUNE magazine's "Top 50 Most Powerful Women In Business" list. In 2004, The Wall Street Journal listed Potter as one of its "Women To Watch." Potter was recognized in 2005 by Black Enterprise magazine as one of the "75 Most Powerful Blacks in Corporate America." In 2002, Potter was also named to FORTUNE magazine's "Most Powerful Black Executives in America" list and to Time magazine's "15 Young Global Business Influentials" list. Potter's numerous additional honors include the Healthcare Business Women's Association's "2000 Woman of the Year" award, the Bristol-Myers Squibb Leadership Development Award, and the Merck Chairman's Award for her work on the Astra/Merck joint venture. Most recently, the Girl Scouts of the USA awarded Potter with its esteemed National Woman of Distinction Award given to women who, as representatives of professional and personal accomplishments, serve as a role model for girls. In 2002, Potter was named to the Board of Directors of the California Healthcare Institute where she currently serves as president. In 2004, Potter was named to the board of directors for Amazon.com. Potter is a member of Genentech's executive committee. Potter holds a Bachelor of Arts degree from the University of Chicago.

OK did you notice the last line of her bio?:
“Potter holds a Bachelor of Arts degree from the University of Chicago.”

…ummmmmmm excuse me!? B.A. …no MBA, no Master’s Degree of any kind! That means that this lady knows. Her. Shit! She has got to be well-respected, because she has held the tightest positions in her career. I love love love to see this! I have already contacted her to be my mentor!!

I just realized that I am six courses away from finishing my program! SIX COURSES!!!
I can NOT believe my program is almost done! I mean it has been hard, working full-time, taking classes full-time, AND trying to have a social life, but I have managed to do just that!

Ok so now comes the hardest part: navigating through corporate America in a sector that is not exactly embracing black women in droves OR high number: Just look at who she is standing next to:



Women in science, period, catch hell from their male counterparts. Seeing Myrtle get so far, at such a young age, is so inspiring. It only strengthens my resolve to break through the glass ceiling…..and if anyone is ready to buck the system, it is me, the jazzy mouth, ball-busting, hell-raising, bitch diva. Bring it on suckas!

Like A Gladiator, In A Coliseum, Ready For War!!

Ya’ll ain’t ready, mayne!

Do I really want to get into this “Married People’s Club?” When I was younger, it seemed like the cool, hot place to be. When my friends joined, it became more feasible because I could see how non-scary it could be. Now I wonder what the motivation is. Do I really feel like marriage is for me? Or is it about getting behind the “velvet rope” that separates the married from me.

I admit that lately I have had NO desire to get behind THAT velvet rope, and it could be because I have been perpetually single for so long. Yea I have had flings, and bouts of being coupled up and, I played the “non-girlfriend” role more times than I care to remember. However, for the most part a long-term relationship has been evasive and it may have been by design. Maybe I am allowing myself to be in relationships with men I know would let me down, so I can say, you see? Men suck!
But maybe it is ME that finds a way to somehow set myself up for a guaranteed short-term relationship - that way it would be easily explained (to myself) why I don’t want to be with him.

Where I am now, I feel as if I can stay single till I am 60, maybe have a cool boyfriend who has no pressure to jump the broom. Would that be so bad?

Wow, this blogging thing is downright addictive. I have to say that there are so many awesome, intelligent, cool, and frickin hilarious people in the blogosphere. Yea, I see some e-drama going down on some blogs, but nothing is without flaws, much like "real world" experiences. At any rate, I am learning a lot reading blogs and I am new to commenting, but it really is the "propa" thang to do. If someone has the courage to share their stories, and you partake of it, and grow from it, ya gotta let em know! I feel bad for cyberstalking X for so long, and never telling her how much she made me laugh, cry, get mad more than she will ever know...I feel REAL bad that D. Young doesn't know that his words were so awesome and profound, I passed his blog to Kendeezy and now she is a bonifide fan too. He doesn't know that he wrote something that resonated so deeply with me, that I put it on my blackplanet page (LOL) ..of course I gave him his credit... and I still refer back to it whenever I contemplate what love is about. The thing is, the more I read, the more I realize that we all share so many common thoughts, experiences, and feel similar emotions. It completely takes away the feeling of being the "only one who felt this way" ....When I posted Ties That Bind, I immediately felt better. Mannmotion commented that, by doing so, it shows how much I have progressed in healing, despite me feeling the polar opposite pre-post. What took me so long to blog!? and somebody please tell me WHERE THE HELL IS ELLE!? *sniff*....I miss her!

Ahh well...that's what's up...something on Wise's mind....the blog thing, so far so good. I think I will stick with it, for now. LOL

There were always in me
two women at least
one woman desperate and bewildered
who felt she was drowning
and another who would leap into a scene
as upon a stage, conceal her true emotions
because they were weaknesses, helplessness, despair,
and present to the world only a smile,
an eagerness, curiosity, enthusiasm, interest.
- Anais Nin

Sometimes I stumble on an author or poet who precisely captures the essence of my being. I am trying to leave my comfort zone of reading books solely by black authors. I will always support and love black writers, I just now feel the need to diversify my reading repertoire, so to speak. After having lunch with my cool white friend Tammy, she told me about one of her favorite authors, Anais Nin http://www.anaisnin.com/home.html I had actually heard of this author before, but never took the time to read a lot of her writings.

After I read the above excerpt, I literally felt goose bumps. I have felt for a long time that I have two women in me, and they definitely battle each other a lot. I am not sure how much being a pastor’s kid (fishbowl life growing up) had to do with it, but I conceal a lot of true emotions for a lot of reasons. Sometimes, I do it because I want to keep the appearance that I am so strong, determined, and smart. I do feel that I am all these things, at times…but the reality is, I have so many self-defeating thoughts and feelings that I sometimes struggle to reaffirm my positive qualities. The whole diva persona that I have is sometimes just that. I have moments where I feel beautiful, unstoppable, feisty, ferocious, and even bitchy. Then I have days when I second-guess myself, question my direction, and generally feel lost. Those days have been more frequent lately, yet I continue to mask my emotions to my family and my friends. It is overwhelming at times to do it, and honestly, I don’t know how much longer I will. I don’t know if the 2 women in me will ever stop battling each other. It’s not like I have multiple personality disorder or anything. I just want the desperate, drowning woman to stop feeling that way, and start allowing the stronger woman to show emotions. There is strength in admitting your weakness, showing your emotions, venting your frustrations, so why can’t I find the strength to do it? What am I afraid of?

O Maxwell, O Maxwell Wherefore Art Thou Maxwell?

Why doth ye sit on your asseth and wreak havoc on my heart? My musical soul demandeth an answer dammit!

*ahem* this ain't shaping up to be an ode....

Maxwell, I don't understand why you are taking so long to create your next musical gift.
Do you realize how much I need your music in my life?

When you sang "Lonely's The Only Other Company", I felt each word because I related to them:

Since you went away I just ( I cry baby I cry baby)
Look into all of the faces with no trust (no trust no trust)

Don't you know that I submerged with you, and YOUR atmosphere surrounded me?

Words are demeaning
They can’t describe…

just how much your music touches me deeply and intensely, in a place that I never knew music could even reach.


And now I'm just hopin' for more
I'm just reachin' out for somethin'
better than I had before

Feels like it's been a Lifetime since I heard new creations from you, and I literally yearn for more.

so listen up:
I don't care about the gay rumors, I don’t care if you are sexing the blonde chick from Law and Order (ok, that's not true, I would be pissed off, but I would deal!). I just want you back, in the lab, mixing and creating your sounds, for me, for my soul, for my sanity. Enough already!

I don’t know what it is about this man that makes me behave like I do. I used to joke with my friends that the mind-blowing sex made him my Kryptonite. Kryptonite and me have a long history of back and forth since 1999 (gawd I hate even typing that shit). When we first met I was sort of seeing this guy in my apartment complex. Things between me and that guy (Sheriff) were kind of at a lull because I was NOT about to be that bug-a-boo neighbor that pestered him all the time. I was playing it “cool, so cool that Sheriff thought I lost interest. Enter Krypt. Met him at a club but he worked with my best friend, (roommate at the time) Grandeur Girl. It was instant attraction when we met; it took all of 5 min before we were on the dance floor. Between the twins, my booty shaking skills, and those hot sexy boots I was rocking…Krypt didn’t stand a chance. He called me that same night, and we talked for hours. For the next few weeks, things were going great. We were inseparable. He told that first night that he had a daughter, and it didn’t really bother me that he had a kid already. Since she lived in another state, it was easy to imagine him as kidless. I started to have feelings for him after a while, and back then, my M.O. in dealing with that was basically to play him to the left. I didn’t think/feel that he was really into me for a meaningful relationship, so I started acting like I didn’t really care. He would bug Grandeur Girl at work all the time, asking why I was acting this way. I was really taking my cues from him though. After 3 months, he had met and knew my friends, hung out around my crew all the time, yet I had no idea who he hung with. I never met anyone he was related to. Ever. One time he took me to his parent’s house when they were out of town, to pick some things up. I just got the feeling that clearly I was the BOD (booty on duty) aka Flava of the Month. So hey, I bounced, I didn’t like that feeling of nonimportance. It was new to me, and altogether sucky. I was used to guys running me home to meet fam & friends. Moms love me! So that lasting impression of Krypt is hard to shake and every time he comes in my life, I start to remember how shitty I felt when we were trying to start something. He just became a friend with benefits to use when I was in between boyfriends. I never take him seriously, and he has pissed me off more than I care to even remember. Normally, I have NO probs letting dudes go, especially wack, selfish, game-playing mo-fos. So why don’t I tell him to stay gone? What is it that keeps us in and out of each other’s lives for 5 fuckin years? If I can figure that out, maybe I could let go.

My weekend was a blast! I got up early to go help my play cousin do some packing and moving into her new townhome. The townhome is soo nice, and spacious. I can't wait till the housewarming to see her all moved in.Later that day, I hung out with the fabulous divas aka..Grandeur Girl and Preggers. We ALWAYS have a great time when we are together. We were celebrating grandeur girl's birthday that was last week (Mar 27) so we went for pampering at Key Lime Spa http://www.keylimepie.net/ where we got massages and manicures/pedicures. Then we went to dinner at the Imperiel Fez http://www.imperialfez.com/. This Moroccon restuarant was an EXPERIENCE complete with authentic music, decor, and belly dancers. I can see why people rave about this place. It was totally unique, different, exciting and they LOVE powdered sugar! So much so that they put it on non-pastry foods! LOL. We all had a great time, laughing, drinking (except preggers) and eating. The food was spectacular. We are going to go back for ladies night so we can see men belly dancing in front of us. There was one sista belly dancer who represented well, doing her thing. I was not feeling the whole stuffing dollar bills into their costumes that some of the men were doing...briefly gave it a Strokers club feel to it (not that I would know). I think they should place a tip jar somewhere so people can tip that way.Sunday I slept in a bit. Then I went to my sister's house and picked up wannabe Mary Kate and Ashley aka my sister's twin girls. We had so much fun hanging out. They were out of town on their birthday (also March 27) so I picked them up, took them shopping and bought them each an outfit for church and school, Old Navy Rocks! Then we hit Moe's for lunch, Barnes & Nobles for perusing (have to keep those girls up on book reading), and then to Bruester's ice cream. We had a ball! I love taking them from the day and getting my maternal instincts purged...LOL...it's cool when I can drop them off and go back to my single life. It is the perfect tool to keep my biological clock from ticking too loudly. After hanging with them, I go rip the cord out that clock! LOL. It was a wonderful weekend and I am excited about today because I started my new eating plan to get my weight loss, healthy lifestyle started

Sometimes, I have to wonder where my life is headed. What is in store for me? I feel that I am at a crossroads in my life. I am in graduate school in a program that I love, hopefully heading to a great career. I am on the road to finiancial health. With all that I have going for me, I still feel as if I am one decision away from changing the entire course of my life. I don't want to make the wrong choice, but if I do, this is the time to do it when there is just me. I am contemplating living abroad, in a different country, so I can experience another culture. I would love to live in Florence, Italy or London. I should research some jobs and schools there. I feel like I need a change. Change is good.

I am starting this blog to journal my feelings, thoughts, emotions. I am on a mission to reach a beautiful balance in life. I hope this medium assists me in that endeavor. I titled my blog after the Sade song Bullet Proof Soul:

"Bullet Proof Soul"

I was so in love with you
You rarely see a love that's true
Wasn't that enough for you
Wasn't that enough for you
I would climb a mountain
I wouldn't want to see you fall
Rock climb for you
And give you a reason for it all

You kept on thinking
You were the only one
Too busy thinking
Love is a gun

Hit me like a slow bullet
Like a slow bullet
It took me some time to realise it

You keep on thinking
You were the only one
Too busy thinking
Love is a gun

I know the end before
The story's been told
It's not that complicated
But you're gonna need a bullet proof soul

You keep on thinking
You were the only one
Too busy thinking
Love is a gun

I know the end before
The story's been told
It's not that complicated
But you're gonna need a bullet proof soul

You were trigger happy baby
You never warned me let me free
It's not that complicated
But you're going to need a bullet proof soul
Think you got it but you got all the trouble you need
I came in like a lamb
But I intend to leave like a lion

It hit me like a slow bullet
It hit me like a slow bullet

This song describes how I have felt on countless times. I would love to have a place in my heart that is completely untouchable. Although this may never actually exist, it helps me as a defense mechanism.

Well, I am excited about this journal!