Bullet Proof Soul

I cruised to Bahamas for Memorial Day weekend. I had a FABULOUS time!

I made all A’s last 2 semesters! Woo hoo!

I am fighting off a cold be back soon to do a real post.

If I need time to see your heart BEFORE you
Brag about blowing my back out

…will you wait for me?

If I need time to see your soul’s desire BEFORE you
Taste my honey pot

….will you wait for me?

If I go on an mental archaeological dig
to discover your true character

……will you wait for me
to determine it’s true authenticity?

I want to know your favorite food
Before I know your favorite position

… will you wait for me?

I want to learn what makes you laugh
Before I learn what makes you climax

….will you wait for me?

I’m not asking for the impossible
Just some moments of your time

Let’s stop slipping through
this revolving door

And enjoy being…us


**Disclaimer** - this is SOOO not a poem...

*edited: I am soo not a poet/spoken word performer*

I am just getting out what I have been TRYING to say to about 4 muthafuckas who really, really, are NOT hearing what I am saying to them lately...*sigh* ...sometimes you have to save your breath and stay focused on what YOU want/desire. Putting this here, (albeit with a sad Nina Mosely impersonation) reaffirms that I should hold to my standards for the gift of love... regardless of the packaging that surrounds it, I am digging for the prize inside.

Vagina Logic, I guess you can call it women's intuition too. Vagina logic is the reasoning and thought process of anyone with a vagina. (guess that was a no-brainer)


Whenever reasoning or a way of thinking is associated with women terms like intuition and instinct seem to differ from analytical and judgment. Is there a chasm between male and female logic? Does the difference makes one the inferior gender?


Male and females have totally different DNA. It is expected that thought processes and problem solving be somewhat different. There are even significant differences in male and female brains, but it would be stretching it a bit to say that these differences between the sexes correspond to the dichotomies of logic and emotion. I am not convinced.

When you think about vagina logic, you are really dealing with how women think vs. how men think. Generally, women are known/assumed to be more nurturing, emotional, and have deeper feelings then men. So the “reasoning” is that we think with more feelings than males do. Men, on the other hand are abstract, analytical, and systematic which leads people to believe that they leave out emotion in decision-making and problem-solving. Is this true? If so, is this a good thing? Is it better to be devoid of emotion, so that you can arrive at a sounder, wiser decision? While having strong emotions can sometimes interfere with your thought processes, this is not automatically the case. There are plenty of times that I have felt tremendous emotion, and my thought process was at its best.

I am not sure if the great divide between men and women’s logic is worthwhile to evaluate because the bottom line is, we are all different. Our experiences, insight, knowledge, and background shape us and mold us. We all make choices with our own logic that stem from a combination of different things: emotion, past experience, perception, etc.

Now when it comes to matters of the heart, vagina logic can surely mess up your thought process and reasoning. If there is ever a time I wish I had male logic, it is when my vagina logic kicks in and I struggle to listen to my head or my heart. Most of the times, I go with my head, because my heart just ain’t a credible source of logic OR reasoning when deciding about love or hate (whichever the case may be).

Kendeezy & Jazzy Diva tagged me for those all telling lists. Being the lazy blogger that I am, I have procrastinated long enough.

I am starting with Jazz's first:

TEN THINGS I LOVE
10. Blogging
09. Shoes
08. My new sleigh bed
07. Kissing
06. Maxwell
05. My Friends
04. Battery Operated Boyfriend (getting in plenty of QT these days with him)
03. Mrs. Fields Cookies
02. My family (even the crazy ones!)
01. Jesus (he is MY homeboy, I just got to hang out with him at HIS place more!)

Be back with that Kendeezy tag (100 Things about Moi)

**EDITED**
100 things about me
1. I had a wonderful childhood with a loving family but I was tortured by bullies all through grade school
2. I faked an illness to avoid going to school
3. There was one bully that was the bane of my existence
4. he made me perform sexual acts on him and other boys behind the school
5. I never told
6. he was the first male I ever hated
7. when he went to prison (shocking, I know) I sent him a letter to let him know he hurt me and I still hated him
8. I also sent him a box of cigs and said, good luck in your new home muthafuca
9. I feel badly about that now
10. I don’t think I ever trusted men fully because of him
11. My self-esteem used to be Extremely low
12. I don’t think my parents knew that going to a predominantly white boarding school would impact my body image
13. I used to hate my nappy hair because it was different from my white friends
14. I had my first kiss in a Haunted House
15. His name was Waymon and he had the biggest, most beautiful lips I have ever kissed
16. I was hurt when he and his brother asked the white girls to the dance
17. I retaliated with a white boy as my date
18. I never forget that feeling of being unwanted by black men
19. I no longer feel the pang of hurt when I see a black man with a non-black woman
20. Going to an HBCU saved my self-esteem and my body image.
21. I learned to love and embrace everything about myself after being around more people who looked like me
22. I don’t regret having a diverse education
23. I think I managed to come out pretty well rounded because of it
24. I question my instincts a lot.
25. I sometimes don’t trust that I will make the best decision for me because I am afraid I have no idea what that is
26. In a way, I am afraid of men
27. I don’t like the power they can have on me
28. I try to find any defense mechanism I can find to avoid relinquishing that power completely
29. no mechanism has worked for me fully
30. I love to shop
31. it relaxes me
32. even window shopping gives me a rush
33. I have a vivid imagination
34. at home, I sleep naked, regardless of who is next to me
35. sometimes I wish I could be less ambitious
36. that way nobody expects anything from me
37. my dad still wants me to go to medical school
38. I majored in biology to make him happy
39. I applied to medical school to make him happy
40. I was losing hair, weight, and sanity during that whole period of time
41. I still apologize to him for stopping the med school application process
42. he says he is proud of me regardless
43. I don’t know if I believe him
44. my sister doesn’t know that I was in a abusive relationship
45. we are not close as I want
46. she is extremely religious and often preaches AT me
47. I love her but I am sad she doesn’t know things about me
48. I don’t like the way she keeps house
49. its always extremely messy
50. we weren’t raised that way, I blame her hub
51. I want to live in another country
52. I feel as if I can become a new individual if I could move somewhere new
53. the reality is, I will still be me, just in a different geographical location
54. that wouldn’t be so bad
55. being in grad school keeps me distracted from bullshit people that gravitate towards me
56. I think my father had an affair
57. I confronted him once and he was so hurt
58. I never brought it up again
59. my mom is my hero
60. she is the strongest woman I know
61. my parents were almost killed when I was in high school (junior year)
62. drunk driver hit them head on (high speed police chase)
63. I passed out in the ER that night
64. it was too much for me to handle
65. they recovered fully and we all cried uncontrollably at my HS graduation
66. I used to hate that my father was a minister
67. now I realize it was a blessing
68. it kept me out of a lot of mess
69. I was extremely sheltered though
70. I was naïve about men
71. I learned the most about men living, dating, and sexing in ATL
72. I realize now I don’t enjoy sleeping with someone who doesn’t love me
73. I know I can catch some o’s but they aren’t worth it anymore
74. I don’t think I have ever truly been in love
75. I am not sure I want to be
76. I love music
77. I wish I could write songs
78. I secretly want to write a novel
79. I suck at writing and deadlines
80. I think blogging fills that void perfectly
81. this is easier than I thought!
82. I love reading
83. reading is a great escape
84. books are like soul food to me
85. I miss church
86. I miss worshiping and singing
87. I think I found the church I will attend
88. I won’t join most likely for a long time
89. I wish I could buy all my friends their dream house
90. I don’t want to be skinny, but I want more curves
91. exercise makes me feel high
92. I want abs like Janet Jackson (pre-surgery, Pleasure Principle Video Janet)
93. I love sex
94. I love the feeling of having orgasms
95. I adore foreplay
96. I haven’t had partners that understand what foreplay is
97. I will have to write a new 100 things about me next month
98. because I am flaky as hell
99. I am so glad Kendeezy is my friend (she doesn’t know how thankful I am)
100.I forgive her for taggin me!

I mentioned that I had major beef with the movie Hitch. Mannmotion commented that he loved the film (you are still my homie) and he couldn’t imagine what it is I didn’t like.

Well imma tell you!

Disclaimer: I know it’s just a movie, intended for entertainment, just let me rant anyway!

Irk factor#1
One of Date Doctor's lines in the movie: Every man has the opportunity to sweep a woman off her feet; you just need the right broom.

Umm, NO the hell every man don’t! If that ain’t the most nauseatingly unrealistic bunch of bull that is rampant in romantic comedies. Come on! You mean to tell me, ANY man can bring his A game and the chick will fall head over heels? Really? Umm no.. I don’t care what kinda broom Dayquan or Ray Ray has, if he isn’t compatible to me, then his broom ain’t sweeping me nowhere. Point Blank. End of Discussion. There shouldn't even be an attempt to misrepresent yourself when you meet someone. I am all for putting your best foot forward, but I refuse to pretend to be interested in some mess that I don't even like JUST to land a mate. You can kiss my ass with THAT bull. People wonder why their mates "changed after marriage"...umm they ain't changed a thing! They are showing their true colors! Stop frontin to get someone's attention, the facade can ONLY last so long!

Irk Factor #2
The so-called Date Doctor’s first order of business was to change his client’s image. Why is it that a person has to undergo some kind of appearance makeover to land a mate that they feel is out of their league? Is ole boy going to forever get his back waxed? I am glad the message at the end of the film showed that the Doctor’s prescription was not what worked (that’s one redeeming factor for me).


Irk Factor #3
The Date Doctor dishing out dating advice and his ass was a playa! How you gonna school ME on obtaining a meaningful relationship when you don’t have one? That’s like going to a ophthalmologist to give me a pap smear! Uh no, you gonna need to show me how you are indeed the expert, especially if I will be paying you money!

Irk factor #4
I know Hollywood has to sell tickets and in order to do that in astronomic proportions, they want to appeal to a mass market. HOWEVER, casting Eva Mendes (who is a pretty good actress) with African American male actors repeatedly is getting OLD. Yea, I am thankful that a woman of color is being offered roles, but how many films will they keep matching her up with African American leads? What kind of message is that sending about black men wanting us? Again, I know this is entertainment, but these messages are internalized, and they stem from the same misconceptions in Hollywood that black love and our stories can only be told in one way.

Irk Factor #5
Why did the film go for the obvious jokes? White men can’t dance so they need to be hipped to what’s cool. Some white people dance their butts off, and its ok by me! Is there more clever ways of poking fun at our differences? I'm just saying!

Irk Factor #6
**edited**
Why is it assumed that a woman who is focused on her career and not all that concerned with her love life mean that she is hiding from love? Could it be, she is just HAPPY to be where she is in life, and she could actually ENJOY being single, for however long it will last? I mean damn, what is so great about the dating scene that you have to constantly be on the hunt. Some of the folks on the dating scene are just out for booty any way. I would rather fill my life with things I love like travel, friends, career, and IF a great man comes, then of course, I am open to it. I just won't be slitting my wrists if nobody arrives to escort me through the rest of my life. No I am not ducking love, no I am not hiding from men, I am LIVING, with or without men in my life. Sheesh!

Irk Factor #7
It fit the typical mold of romantic comedies: boy meets girl, boy has no confidence to approach girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl back blah blah blah. Now I adore love jones, which for all intent purposes fits that same mold; however, there was so much more meat to the movie, with interesting subplots and other characters, and let's not forget the Great dialogue and realistic depictions of black love and relationships. Give me more films of this ilk and I would be one happy DIVA!

This indie film starred Hill Harper (one of the most under-rated actors in Folly Wood) as Michael and Marlyne Afflack (very beautiful sista) as Jasmine. Part of the film title was based on a metaphor from African-Caribbean history. Slaves rarely received meat for their meals; when they did, they savored all of it. So Jasmine and Michael have to “eat the bones”, i.e. suck the marrow from life, take the bitter with the sweet, the good with the bad, in order to realize the potential of the love between them.

Sometimes when you are watching a film you relate to the character(s) so well, it’s downright eerie. It is like someone peeked into your private life and wrote a screenplay! Well when I saw this movie it immediately took me back to what I went through with psycho cop and uhh fireman. (yea that is the Learning curve revisited: Never date the same dude with a different name).

Psycho cop earned this title because he completely lost his damn mind when I ended things. Mr.I ain't the type to trip over no broad.(um yea unless by NOT tripping you mean parking in my driveway at 2 a.m., having ya boys tail me in the grocery store, and breaking into my apartment and vandalizing my garage…yea..that's not trippin…that's called INSANITY.)…was addicted to porn, and I don't mean slightly addicted.

Then there was Fireman (aka jellyfish: no spine) ALSO heavily into porn. Coincidence? I think not! More like proof positive that divas make BAD choices sometimes!

In the film, Michael has a fixation on a porn queen (Marieka Weathered) and his porn addiction eventually leads to major conflict in his relationship with Jasmine, who has been celibate since her last bad break up (been there, done that). It was WEIRD watching this, I about fell off my sofa in disbelief! Some of the dialogue was so on point.

Psycho Cop had an unhealthy fixation on Janet Jacme and his collection and time spent on flicks were, in my opinion way over the top. Now I know some guys have a few in their collection for recreational purposes, but this dude was past that. He could get a medal for the amount of hours spent watching those things!

Fireman had a more diverse taste in porn, and he really didn’t' discriminate! Asian, black, white, Filapino..he liked it ALL. Again, his collection went past the "appropriate" fit-in-a-shoe box level. Nooo, this dude had trash bags full of them! TRASH BAGS!! Some of them were still at his mother's house! (that's just wrong!).

Now both of these dudes wanted me in on the viewing and to be honest after a few obligatory screenings, it got to be old and tiring. I started to get irked that this was even an issue at all. I am all for spicing up things but I got enough skills to handle my bitness! I just can not, and will not compete with porn stars! Hell no! Especially since it was fairly early in the relationship to even be addressing what THEY wanted in the bedroom. But I went along with it and obliged the guys with watching them and I NEVER said …ANYTHING! Just stupid on my part, really. I just think some things should be saved for when you are in a closer, committed relationship and both of these guys were on the "wait and see" program.

It was weird because at no point through my brief non-relationship with Fireman did a déjà vu read flag smack me in the head. What in the hell was I thinking? Do I block out past lessons in order to ease my concerns that are clearly valid? How often do I disregard intuitions and instincts because the new guy seems "so great"?

I am holding to this lesson: never date the same guy with a different name. If there are character traits that I didn't like in another dude, I should pay attention if they surface in the new guy. Now I wouldn't compare the guys to the point of thinking they are the exact replica of each other, but it makes sense to understand what I will and will not tolerate and use the same logic to determine incompatibility in each new potential. It's the wise thing to do.

I had the best weekend! It started off Friday evening at my friend’s birthday dinner. We all met up at Goldfish. This place is fabulous for seafood and sushi. I almost hurt myself eating that swordfish, woo woo! I had a few drinks so I was feeling nice and mellow by the end of the evening. After dinner we were headed to a club but decided against it and ended up at the movies.

We saw Crash and it is absolutely awesome! A must see. I am going to own that one when it comes out on DVD. I was proud of Ludacris, he was in a lot of scenes with Larenz Tate and he held it down! I think he really takes acting seriously because he brought his A game to the role. Don Cheadle, as usual, was amazing in his role, thankfully I didn’t ball like I did in Hotel Rwanda (seeing him cry just jacked me up). I really could do a whole blog on that movie it had so many subplots and interesting topics that were addressed.

Saturday was a busy day, I went shopping for the cruise I am going on at the end of the month. Then later, I went to a cook out with some close friends. I had a ball! I was in charge of food prep and cooking so I was a busy bee the whole time, but I enjoyed it. Cooking really relaxes me so I may have to do it more often for myself. (LOL). It was good being around good friends, good food, and nice weather. The perfect cookout!

After the cook out I was exhausted, but I promised a friend I would stop by her spoken word event. It was the first time I attended one of these at someone’s home but it was so cool. She had a beautiful back yard and she lit it with tiki torches and candles and had folks on blankets, chairs, and pillows. She had these cats who were REAL poets, not someone just talking to hear themselves talk. They were intriguing! She had it catered with food but I was still full from our cookout and didn’t get to sample anything. She was raising money for an organization she is starting (forget the name) but it will assist women who are fleeing domestic abuse situations. I got home really late but I was feeling great after my wonderful day. I met this real cool poet who asked for my phone number, but I left before giving it to him. I am going to tell my friend to let him have it if he asks.

Sunday started early and rainy (yuk). I went to breakfast with Preggers and then we hit some stores to return the things from her shower(s) that she didn’t need/want. We got her items for her hospital bag and she was able to pick out the last of her baby items with her gift cards. She was doing the pregnant lady waddle which cracked me up. She is getting scared now but I think she will be fine. First baby deliveries can be long but, all she needs to do is last until the epi is administered without killing somebody.

Sunday afternoon I went to my play cousin’s housewarming. I helped her move in back in April but it was nice to see the furniture and other items all moved in and arranged. I had forgotten how spacious her townhouse was, even with all her furniture in, it seems so big. The food was really good, and I got to see some folks I knew there. Met some new people who seemed cool too.

Sunday evening, I came home watched Hitch (got major beef with that film) and chilled out. My friend and her new girlfriend came by to see my new place. They were so cute together. I was so happy to see her happy. She was feeling as if she would never meet anyone nice and now she is in a new relationship and all giddy. I tried to tell her that the love of her life was on the way, so I won’t say I told you so! It’s enough to see her happy now. Keeping my fingers crossed for them to work out!

My weekend was busy, but spent with my favorite people so by Sunday evening I went to bed smiling.

The learning curve revisited: Always trust your instincts with shady people.

Have you ever had a toxic friend? The type that always take take take, and feels entitled to certain treatment, regardless of how bad they treat you?


I first met Evilena at my first job in ATL. We were both single, so we kind of hit it off, and started to hang out from time to time. When we first started to become closer friends, people warned me about her, saying she was extremely shady and not to be trusted. I didn't listen, and had an open mind about her. I just thought until she proved that to me personally, I should not let those people deter our friendship.
There were MANY clues that I just overlooked. The thing with toxic people is that they don't start off that way. They always manage to front for the first few months of meeting you to lull you into a false sense of security and trust. They establish a pseudo-bond with you to make you feel as if you can rely on them. They even manage to "be there" for you a time or two, just to be able to say…remember that time when blah blah.

Clue# 1 - She Fronts
She did organize a house warming when I got a new place..the thing is ..Somehow my friends ended up bringing all the food AND gifts, yet HER name was on the invitation as giving me the party. Then there was the time when she organized a surprise party for me at D&B's. She made my friend buy the cake, damn she's slick. Again, she was on the invitation as the one giving me the party, and she actually delegated things out to people. Also, that night, it was Kinda odd that me, the alleged guest of honor was unescorted (my sister was the one that lured me there) but the entire group of people she invited were couples...she actually never called my girls who WERE single, and she ASKED my coupled homegirls to bring THEIR men. Ok, I didn't even notice this until after Grandeur Girl said she was ADAMANT about her bringing her man and of course, Evilena had a date. So it just sounded a bit plotted out, perhaps to make me feel bad for being manless or something, I don't know, just speculating.

Clue# 2 - She's Trifling
She was the type of chick that got ghost when she got a man. I started to hear from her AFTER each relationship she had ended, when she was ready to cruise for boys again and needed a road dawg.

Clue#3 - She's Shady
When she moved into the complex next to mine, we began to hang out again, more regularly and I got her hired on at the part time gig I had. So we saw each other all the time by default now. Well, Evilena worked with Grandeur Girl's (my friend) mom in her office, so I started to hear about Evilena making comments about me and sharing personal information with the office. Whenever I asked her about it, she just shrugged it off as if she didn't know what people were talking about. I remember one time, I bought the HOTTEST boots (I am a boot addict) and to my face she complimented the boots. Well, word got back to me that she referred to them as "slut boots" and when I asked her why she would say that, she claimed she was joking (yea right, bitch). She made backhanded comments about me going to grad school, and would say, Girls like you don't get married. (wtf?!). So that kinda thing started to bug me. I actually wondered if this chick really was FOR me or AGAINST me.

Clue# 4 - She's Needy
Well Evilena gets knocked up by this vertically challenged jerk who I truly did NOT like. I never told her I didn't like him, just kept asking her questions about his character. (He claimed not to have any kids and then it comes out he DOES in fact have a child, he just "wasn't sure"). I tried to be supportive to her throughout the pregnancy. I went to Lamaze class with her because she asked me. I went with her to the ER when she started bleeding. (His ass never even bothered to come to the hospital.) I planned a beautiful baby shower for her that I ended up bankrolling by myself because her psycho cousin and me almost had a smack down (looks like crazy runs in the fam). Pscho cousin also fought with Evilena and pulled out of the shower altogether. Just DRAMA!

Clue # 4 - She's Demanding
I called jerk baby daddy to run interference and see if they could be civil long enough for him to go in the delivery room. I convinced her to let him in the delivery room because I thought she would regret denying him that. So I showed up at the hospital when she went into labor and stayed until she delivered in the middle of the night. At this point, the entire friendship is wearing me out! Emotionally, financially, I mean everything associated with this friendship was toxic! I just decided that to maintain MY sanity, and keep me drama free, I would back away from the friendship a bit, and redefine her role in my life. I still came by after she went home and took her to a few doctor's appointments, ran some errands for her (she had a c-section, so she was slow moving for a few days). She had a list of to do things when I arrived. I told her I didn't have time to do all of THAT, but I did what I could. She continued to expect me to be there for her, but I just couldn't. I guess in retrospect, I should have told her how I was feeling, but honestly, I didn't have the energy for a come2Jesus pow wow. I just wanted to be rid of her toxins.

De-Toxifying
The last official friend thing I did for her was show up to the baby's blessing and gave her a gift. I decided against going to the family dinner that followed. I called her a few times to check on her but I started to say no to her requests. The minute I cut the doormat routine, she lost interest in our friendship..shocking isn't it?

She told people that I betrayed her confidence by telling some of her personal business. I honestly have no idea what she was talking about. I figured if I hurt or angered her, she would address it with me directly IF she truly cared about the friendship. I see that she didn’t really care to do that, and I didn't care to ask why either because I was glad to have her out of my life. I realized what a huge relief I felt!

And it doesn't stop....
Evilena purposely tries to annoy me from time to time by sending baby pictures to my friend who I introduced HER to. She invited her to the kid's first birthday party. (shaking my head)…It was obvious she was sending me a message that I am being left out of the loop with the kid because my friend never hears from her unless it involves her kid.

Well, I saw her a few days ago at Pregger's office baby shower and I didn't say one word to her, nor did she speak to me.. I was sad at first, then I realized that it was truly for the best. I heard that she is not living with the jerk anymore, he didn't marry her, so she bounced. She didn't look all that happy to me, but I hope that she is. I hope that she has grown and learned about being a true friend. I know I have.

I hate to say it, but after that experience, I started to be really leery of females, especially black women. I realize now that sometimes you do have to be careful but ALL women are NOT like her. It is possible to have a healthy friendship with women without competition, pettiness, and drama. But I learned my lesson: always trust your instinct with shady people.

I guess in life there are some things that you never get over, never forget.

First car
First kiss
First love
First job
First lover
First orgasm
First multiple orgasm

*ahem* getting distracted..where was I?

Oh..

I suppose each circumstance, event, person and emotion you experience is a learning experience that shapes and molds who you are.

A learning curve is when you learn to remember all aspects of "what went wrong" and remember how to do it right, effectively "learning and remembering" it for future similar encounters.

So what have I learned about myself? Well, I have been in this city for, wow seven years! Thinking back...I can say I have surprised myself. It turns out that I am quite resilient, determined, and driven. I think I always believed this about myself but being here, these things are tested, stretched, maximized and pushed to the limit. You start to realize what you are made of and how your character is built.

Since I am ALL about personal growth, I TRY to think about what decisions I made or didn't make. What actions I did to contribute to certain things that happened or didn't happen to me. It is worthwhile to do a little self-inventory because it ain't ALWAYS other folk...sometimes its YOU. It would behoove me to assess my thought process to understand more about myself each day. The Wise Diva strives to be wise about herself all. the. time. I would be mad if I am dealing with the SAME ole shit each year and wonder why I am in a rut. Learning curves are mandatory for personal growth!

So..a few things I have learned:

Don’t ever date a man because he drives a nice car

Don’t apply for a job that doesn’t pay you your age

Don’t date cops who are addicted to porn

Don’t date firemen who are addicted to porn

Don't date the "same dude, with a different name" (DOH!)

If a man says he is looking for a swinging wife - RUN!

Never take Marta when you are inebriated showing your weapons of mass distraction in a plunging neckline top.

Never take a man seriously who hallas at you in traffic/at a stop light

Never compliment a sista on her hair if she is carrying a weapon

If a man offers to pump your gas, just let him do it, especially if he is high and has 3 scary looking homeboys with him

Always trust your instincts when it comes to shady people


I have learned a lot more, but these are things that come to mind today for some reason. I may blog about some of these further because the stories that are associated with them are …well learning experiences!

**Special thanks to Lawda, for inspiring me to think about Mother's Day in a completely new way**

My blog title really has 2 meanings….the song Bullet Proof Soul from Sade and the book that I read years ago the Bulletproof Diva.

What is a bulletproof diva?

“A woman whose sense of dignity and self cannot be denied; who, though she may live in a war zone like Brownsville, goes out everyday greased, pressed, and dressed, with hair faded and braided and freeze-dried and spit-curled and wrapped and locked and cut to a sexy baldie (so she is all eyes and lips) and piled ten inches high and colored siren red, cobalt blue, and flaming yellow. She is fine and she knows it. She has to know it because who else will. . . . A Bulletproof Diva is not, I repeat, not that tired stereotype, the emasculating black bitch too hard for love or piety. It’s safe to assume that a Bulletproof Diva is whoever you make her—corporate girl, teen mom, or the combination—as long as she has the lip and nerve, and as long as she uses that lip and nerve to raise up herself and the world."
-Lisa Jones, Author


This book was given to me by The Wisest Diva…my mother. This is one example of how my mom really worked hard to show me the beautiful balance of being a strong, black, independent female as well as, being a loving, nurturing, patient woman (uh yea.. still workin on the latter, Mama).

When I was growing up, my mother had many roles: wife, mother, pastor’s wife, career women, student, you name it she did it. My father was the type that believed in a strong familial unit (read: strict and sheltered) where family came first (after God). He always supported my mom in her career aspirations and he filled in for her when she couldn’t do some of the domestic duties. To me, they had the perfect set up. Dad had no problem cooking for us (well, he tried..but like Olivia said: I’m still alive!) picking us up from school, and helping us with homework. In return, my mom ironed his shirts (every day!), cooked the meals, and juggled the child rearing with school (nursing) and work. She made it seem so damn effortless, I used to have this perception that it is possible to have IT ALL: career, husband, kids, travel, and all the trappings of a diva lifestyle. Now, one day I had the nerve to tell her that I was mad at her because she never told me that she had days when she wanted to choke my father, slap the hell out of me and my sister, and quit the nursing profession because of the grunt work. I thought she gave me a distorted view of being some uber mom, a fearless superwoman, able to leap tall buildings, and handle whatever madness came her way. The truth is none of That mess is easy! (LOL). When I asked her how she managed it all, she said what choice did I have? I couldn’t afford a nervous breakdown, nor did I have the luxury of complaining every time things didn’t go my way. I never claimed to be a superwoman, just a woman. Wow..shut me right up. Now that I am older, she keeps it real with me. She shares with me how my Dad makes her extremely happy when he is at the lake, chillin in the log cabin that he built (black people in a logcabin, such a beautiful thing). She admits that when he is on a business trip, she doesn’t miss ironing his shirts everyday. She confesses that being a pastor’s wife got on her “damn nerves” more times than she can remember. But she also says that she would not change a thing nor does she regret making the choices that she made, or sacrificing for her family. She did it out of love. I want to be like my mom when I grow up, a real Bullet Proof Diva.

Happy Mother’s Day Mama!

So I have been talking to Puerto Rico, who now loves to call and wake me up to “start our day off right”…that’s real sweet, except I am SO not a morning person, and it has been communicated to him, but that doesn’t stop him from calling me first thing, expecting Sally Sunshine…I tried to pull it off the first day, then I just told him…you talk, and I will grunt whenever I need to.

It’s interesting when things are going smoothly with a new guy and your conversations are Easy Conversations (can ya tell that I am on a Jill Scott tip this week?).

**cue Jill Scott’s Easy Conversation**

I’m feelin what he is saying, he is feeling what I’m sayin. There are no awkward moments, no pregnant silences. There is laughter, sarcasm, wit, and even silliness. It’s simple, effortless, fun, and interesting. Just nice…

Yea well, (stop the music) all good things come to an end. Well, let me not be dramatic, perhaps not end, but they sure can get un-easy real damn fast. Last night, the topic of conversation ventured to sex. Now I am NO prude, by ANY stretch of the imagination. I do feel that if you absolutely HAVE to ask/say certain things to a lady, you should THINK about how you say it to get the reaction that you seek. I don’t even know what reaction PR expected when he said what he did, but he sure got an earful from me.

The conversation started innocently enough (or did it?). He asked if I was an affectionate person, and me being upfront as I can, just admitted, I am not big on PDA, I value my me time, but I certainly enjoy sharing my life with someone special, doing sweet things like hand holding, cuddling, kissing, when it was the appropriate time to do so. I really just try to find a balance when I am dating someone exclusively. I had a life before I met a man, and I will have one when I am dating him. That’s just how I am. I always make time for the person I am dating, and I know the importance of quality time, I just don’t see the need to spend every waking moment with someone. After the novelty of a new relationship wears off, you find your groove with each other. But I digress.

PR’s next line of questioning went from affection to intimacy. As in, do I enjoy it? How often? What kind of lover I was? Now I have dated long enough to know, that guys bring up sex mainly to see how down with the get down you are. (read: how freaky is she?). I normally handle this topic with no problem. This time, I was sort of disappointed, annoyed even. I mean why is this so important to cover in the FIRST WEEK of meeting someone unless you are just out for some booty?

I told him I am horrible in bed, and he would probably be bored real fast. Do you think that deterred him? He became even more determined and wanted to be the one that took me to another level of ecstasy (his actual words). I tell him, dude I am kidding, and I am trying to be gracious here, cut me some slack, I don’t like where this conversation is headed.

Then he asked me: "I promise I can make you enjoy sex, can I come over?"

I replied, "Umm I NEVER said I don’t enjoy sex, and hell no, you can’t come over! I just met you!"

He said that he is just SOO attracted to me, and he just wants to lick me to sleep (doggone it, I am such a sucka for that - no pun intended). I tell him, ok just stop, you won’t be licking nothing for me but a stamp. Then I just ask him, are you looking for a FB, someone to cut? Let me know now.

I mean just Sunday he was bemoaning how he can never find a meaningful relationship with women because there are so many women playing games, out for money. So if this is true, and you meet someone you like, what is the urgency in getting her IPO (initial pu*sy offering)? Whatever happened to finding out a person’s like, dislikes, and enjoying that easy conversation? Hmph..

I had to end the conversation to go study for my last final, but I let him know that I was not interested in casual sex, and if I were, I would have let him know that the first day, because I have no problem getting sexual needs met. I mean I could step outside my door, yell out I am HORNY and then wait for all the dycks to start slinging (this is not about looks, but moreso about the ease and frequency that women get offered some ass)..but it is not about getting physical needs met, I need my mind stimulated, my soul stirred, and my body will follow suit….when I am good and damn ready!

Some of them smile in your face
Cause they heard it some place
You got more then their used to
- Jill Scott (I Keep)

*long ass post warning*

Talking to PR at my new fave Starbucks near my house, the topic of old boyfriends came up. I, of course, avoid this topic like the plague because frankly, my selection in mates has not been all that stellar. I am trying to improve that record, though, and part of doing that entails taking a close, personal look at my decisions when it comes to men and matters of the heart (or heartless, whatever the case may be).

I gave PR a good stock answer of my past relationships: things didn't work out, blah blah, he cheated..yada yada…..The truth is, I have noticed that my past relationships usually end with me questioning whether I am perpetually single because I like it and perhaps even prefer it this way. I have to take responsibility for the choices that I made or didn't make. I really don't even have a problem doing that, especially when things are crystal clear to me on why I can or can not be with a guy.

But this last attempt at a relationship has me puzzled. I can't even call it a relationship really because it was closer to a fling with good intentions. I had good intentions to eat up the attention and enjoy the company of a nice guy. He had intentions of …well..not really sure…still.

I met the Fireman during the holidays when I had less schoolwork, and more time to hang out and focus on leisure things like going to a club, listening to live music, eating out, etc. He was younger than me (3 years) and not the type of guy I typically date (read: not THAT good-looking). But he had a sense of humor that had me laughing ALL the time, and he didn't seem intimidated by my diva ways, jazzy mouth, and fierce independence.

After a few dates, he got ghost. Now living and dating in Atlanta, you sort of become resilient to some things. I wasn't all that shocked, just confused about where he went. I mean we were having a great time, and I thought we would hang out more. Two weeks later he resurfaces with the story of how he had "loose ends" to wrap up and he was indeed seeing someone when we met, but now was free to pursue things with me. (inner skeptic actually believed this story, because generally I always assume when I meet an unmarried man that they have somebody they are seeing, screwing, etc).

So I agreed to hang out with him again, and almost immediately this guy starts commenting about how I was the prototype of what he was seeking in a wife (this should have been the first clue). I had heard it all before from men, and really, I consider it game for some guys to say this. I mean I KNOW I am fabulous, and I would make an AWESOME, wife, however, these comments could carry more weight if they are said after more than a few weeks!

I asked myself how could he possibly know what kind of wife I would be? How can he tell that I am the type to submit to my husband? I understand about being the prototype on PAPER (i.e. single, educated, no kids blah blah), but Fireman literally wanted to take me ring shopping after a few dates (should have been the second clue). He kept saying how he couldn't wait to intro me to his family (he allegedly rarely did that).

So fast forward to a few weeks. I am at work and Fireman calls to ask me to meet him and his sister for lunch. (so much for taking our time). I was a little apprehensive, but I thought it was a solid effort on his part to show me how important I was to him. So I go along and meet his sister who was quite uhh..bossy. She was friendly to me and seemed to like me. We actually ended up going to see an Alvin Ailey performance and dinner a few weeks after that.

Now here is where things got weird. Fireman plans a romantic trip to Savannah for Valentine's Day for us. We had so much fun traipsing around, eating, drinking, and it was a romantic time. At dinner, he was asking me what I planned to do after graduate school. I was honest and said that I am not really sure of where the job opportunities will take me and I will just have to see how things pan out. I did say that I will go wherever I had to so I can get the experience I wanted. He said that as a fireman he could work anywhere, and he spoke as if we would be talking about a future together. He wanted to let me know he would be willing to move with me. (um, ok?).

Now even MORE weird: we get back in town and Fireman goes M.I.A…again. Now I am wondering if this is another disappearing act that is related to the other chick..or was I the other chick? At any rate, I left him a message that he really needed to call me and let me know what was up. No response. At this point, I am MORE than slightly annoyed, I am pissed. Why does this guy have a problem with being upfront about shit? He actually told me that he just stopped calling last "non-girlfriend" and broke up with her by just going away (bad character alert!) and I let him know then. That is not necessary with me, it only takes a few words: it's not working for me. How hard can that fuckin be to say? I mean yea you may get cussed out but at the very least, I will respect you for saying it.

But no, Fireman decides to pull another Houdini act, but this time he fucked with the wrong chick. I had loaned him some items for his apartment since he was a typical bachelor with nothing. I asked him to meet me so we could discuss some things (read: I can get some shit off my chest) and I could get those items back if he no longer needed them. He agreed to meet me but ultimately punked out and didn't show up to the restaurant. Once again, I am mad how this cat handles shit (or doesn't handle) and I really just want to cut my losses and forget it.

Well, oddly enough, over dinner with a friend days later, I recount the fiasco to her about fireman. She mentions a friend of hers who handles HR/payroll for cops/firefighters etc. Well, this opportunity literally fell in my lap, and who am I to turn down such a juicy offer to get my shit back and prove a point to the missing fireman? One phone call is all it took.

The very next day, I am on my way home and I notice a truck that looks a lot like fireman's behind me in traffic. I pull in my driveway, and sure enough it is indeed him. For a millisecond, I am concerned about my safety, but then I remember that he is a spineless bastard that doesn't have the balls to call me and tell me to my face what the hell was going on. SO …I proceed to my door, and he follows behind me with a box of the items that I loaned him. He sets the box down, and walks right back out the door. Not one word spoken. No apology, no "bitch, no you didn't put my shit on front street"…nothing. I had this smirk on my face the whole time, it was a priceless moment. I yelled THANKS as I slammed the door behind him. I laughed a good 10 minutes about the expression on his face....ah good times!

I still have no idea why Fireman handled things like he did. His sister claimed he felt I would leave him behind (whatever the hell that means) and she said he was moping around for days over me (yea, right). I am still perplexed, and I may never find out everything. All I know is, I am thankful that I no longer twitch when I see a fire engine or hear a siren. So I guess that means I am not pissed anymore.. what can I say?..he just wasn't that into me. ...and I realize now, I wasn't that into him either...it was really the "principalities of the sitcheashun!"

Moral of the story: Don't play with lame firemen, you will get burned. (LOL)

Weekend turned out very nice. I met the coolest people (Kae, 2-me, & Brown Suga) at a sushi spot that I am now feigning for. I am not quite sure what those cool people thought of me, they had me laughing though, and I am glad I got out the house. I finished my final on time after I left them, which would be great if it weren’t for the fact that my lazy ass should have completed it Friday morning since I didn’t even go to work.

I hung out with Puerto Rico who seems to be very sweet. I don’t know if it is his accent that is making him so hot, or him constantly telling me how beautiful I am. (gotta be the latter, ha!) He got a bit distracted by my WMD’s (weapons of mass distraction) but in his defense, the last time he saw me they were well covered up and he prolly had NO idea of what to expect. I just felt sexy this weekend so I let the twinz out, but he was trying to be a gentleman, so he impressed me there. We are supposed to be hooking up again. He was trying to convince me to take my summer vacation in Puerto Rico. We’ll see, I know it is beautiful there, but I have been trying to get a Hawaii trip in for the longest.

I admit that it has been SO damn long since a guy has called when he said he would, that I almost stop expecting that. Hmph.. I gotta watch that, my standards will not be lowered.

At any rate, I enjoyed getting out and enjoying the nice weather and cool company. Now if I could only stop craving sushi. Damn!