Captain: The Unfinished Chapter
I consider myself to be a dating veteran, so normally I am resilient to the let-downs that are common with dating. There is one time though, I took kind of personally. I think because I was extra cautious, and apprehensive, and tried to take things slow. After dating MR. COMMITTMENT PHOBE, I figured, the next go round, I will certainly have confirmation before developing any excitement, anticipation, expectations, etc...
Enter The Captain...
**sidenote** so after the LAME Fireman, the Psycho Cop and the Captain, I'm thinking dudes in uniforms should be avoided at all costs! I ain't even checking for WHAT BROWN CAN DO FOR ME!**
Captain was handsome, intelligent, funny, and from all appearances very single and looking for "wife material". We were on a wonderful journey of exploration. He did so much to redeem my faith in men. He was patient, understanding, compassionate, passionate, empathetic, and sympathetic. He was funny, smart, ambitious, educated, and sexy. (and the fact that he was PACKING was the cherry on top, LOL). I have never felt so comfortable with any man before and it totally threw me. I tried every defense mechanism in the book but I could not help that feeling of falling for him. Well, we were in a relationship and it was beautiful. He started talking as if he could be deployed, so of course, I gave him MANY outs. A pass, a RUN, go serve our country, FORGET ABOUT ME!! I told him REPEATEDLY that distance and time away was a big hurdle to jump for a new couple. But he was adamant about being in a relationship, and he wanted the connection to be sustained. I assured him that our communication didn't have to end, but it didn't have to be romantic, but he kept saying, he didn't want to lose me, or what we had. He said he would understand if I dated, but was hoping I would not get seriously involved.
I decided to focus on finding a grad school program, and I maintained our connection. After his deployment, I became a pen pal of sorts, sending emails, packages, well wishes, and prayers. He in return, told me I had wonderful qualities, considered me the total package, and in his book, I "had it going on". We were both feeling fortunate to have met. He sent me gifts, flowers, never missed a birthday, Valentine's Day the entire time. He was emailing my mother, sister telling them he looked forward to meeting them when he got back (ok actually, I am STILL pissed about that, not my mama!!) For two years I managed to parlay Captain into a GREAT excuse (read: lie) for not getting close to potential candidates. I knew that if I met someone, chances of me and Captain being in a relationship were slim to none. So I hid, dodged, and avoided, anything that looked or felt like a great catch. In retrospect, I had reasons that I was not ready for a relationship. I used Captain as an excuse to explain to my friends why I wanted to be alone (never again, these days I tell my friends the truth, I don't mind being single!).
Well when he finally returned, I was HORNY as hell! While he was gone, I had no desire to connect with anyone intimately because I had convinced myself that NOBODY could match the feeling I had when I was with him. ** now, I am cracking up at the ridiculousness of that shit** So there I was, with 2 years of pent up sexual tension, ready to see Captain and waiting to feel that passion we once shared.
Well immediately things appeared shady. I asked him his return date and he was iffy on what day he was due in the States. He gave me an estimated arrival. I offered to meet him at the airport, he said he would let me know. Ok, so I am twitching in the parking lot that is I-285 traffic and I get a call from Captain. He sounds close, no delayed relay as if he was still in Iraq. Where are you? He sounded tired, yet happy to hear my voice. He wants to know when he will see me. I asked him where he was, he says at a hotel by the airport. (O, really muddafuckah?). I asked him when he landed he said Sunday, early Monday. UMMMMM, it's frickin THURSDAY! He had not only been here for DAYS, he had gotten an apartment leased and set up a new cell phone. He did all these things before picking up the phone to call me? Uh, ok. Great.
So after talking with some guy friends who had a military background, they advised me NOT to trip. They say Wise, sometime there is a need to decompress, get acclimated, blah blah, whatever.
SO, he asks me to dinner but doesn't feel like driving. He wants me to come pick HIM up, and we go to get something to eat. I am still, somehow very excited to see him, despite my gut telling me that shit wasn't on the up and up. (VAGINA LOGIC!)
So I get there and our reunion was ….awkward. He barely wanted to look at me, let alone touch me. The connection we had was clearly not there anymore. We had been corresponding fairly heavily right before he came back so I couldn't pinpoint when things came undone, but needless to say I was disappointed. I was STILL horny, and I was gearing up to at least get down, I mean hell, TWO YEARS, Sasha was marinating! I needed to be served!
So he warms up a little bit and we start to fall into our old comfort zone. This is right around the time the hotel phone rang. He answers, and I still vividly remember that conversation to this day!
Captain: Hello
Female: wah wah wah
Captain: No, I am about to go to sleep
Female: wah wah wah, tomorrow?
Captain: Yea, we can do that
Female: wah wah
Captain: ok bye
And he comes back to cuddling with me. Uhh what in the hell? I refused to ask him who it was, and he surely wasn't volunteering names. This is when I had my a ha moment. He intentionally didn't give me details of his return because he ALREADY arranged for someone else to meet him. *sigh*
I got up, grabbed my things, and told him I needed to get going because I had a long ride back. He thought I was staying the night, and I told him I just wanted to lay eyes on him. Luckily my bag was in the trunk of my car. We parted that night and I didn't hear from his for days. HE said he was really busy with getting settled. He called to ask me out a couple of time but I just didn't really want to get caught up again.
I remember one day he called and we had the ODDEST exchange. He was rambling on and on about some girl he used to date when he was in school and how she could never understand that he was busy with school, full time and working full time. He said he didn't want her to feel like she wasn't important and he tried to make efforts to show her that she mattered, but ultimately things didn't work out between them. Then he bust out with, "I can already see now, that I will need to find a woman who is in school and working full time, like I am again, with graduate school and the Army. I am thinking to myself uhhhhhhhh HELLO!? What the hell do you call what I do? Stripping and Hooking for money!? I still don't get the point he was trying to make and I didn't really have the energy to figure it out or even ask for clarification about WHAT THE HELL THAT HAD TO DO WITH ME!? Shit!
*ahem*
Anyway! He normally calls on my birthday, or New Year's Eve, which is when I last heard from him. The conversations we have are not the same. I never asked him why his feelings for me changed because honestly I didn't want to know the answer. It's like all your worst insecurities creep up when you feel rejected. I would rather my imagination run wild and think that he was married or about to undergo a sex change operation. LOL.
I am sure he has moved on with numerous other chicks by now, but every time my birthday comes, it is always nice to hear his voice and reminisce about how we used to connect. This year I will have a new phone number. I debated on whether I should call him to update it, but I figured I should leave well enough alone. Things just weren't meant to be for us. I do wonder though, why did he keep corresponding with me romantically? I was prepared to back off being a couple and remain his good friend, but he was so adamant that he wanted more. I suppose he was trying to guarantee procurement of some booty on his return. The thing is, I would have gladly been intimate with him if he had been upfront about what it is he really wanted. I was sooo horny it was just freaking reee--dick---- you --- lous!!!!
I guess he felt that it was necessary that I be caught up in emotions to be with him but I just didn't like that feeling of being set up. I almost questioned our entire pseudo-relationship. Then I realized that he was the first man to show me how deeply I could feel emotion and passion. I wouldn't call it love, more like love's cousin infatuation. He came along at a time when I needed to see that my total package is feasible. Our timing may have been off, but HIS timing was just right. Now if I could just let go of that nagging feeling of unfinished business with the Captain.
Enter The Captain...
**sidenote** so after the LAME Fireman, the Psycho Cop and the Captain, I'm thinking dudes in uniforms should be avoided at all costs! I ain't even checking for WHAT BROWN CAN DO FOR ME!**
Captain was handsome, intelligent, funny, and from all appearances very single and looking for "wife material". We were on a wonderful journey of exploration. He did so much to redeem my faith in men. He was patient, understanding, compassionate, passionate, empathetic, and sympathetic. He was funny, smart, ambitious, educated, and sexy. (and the fact that he was PACKING was the cherry on top, LOL). I have never felt so comfortable with any man before and it totally threw me. I tried every defense mechanism in the book but I could not help that feeling of falling for him. Well, we were in a relationship and it was beautiful. He started talking as if he could be deployed, so of course, I gave him MANY outs. A pass, a RUN, go serve our country, FORGET ABOUT ME!! I told him REPEATEDLY that distance and time away was a big hurdle to jump for a new couple. But he was adamant about being in a relationship, and he wanted the connection to be sustained. I assured him that our communication didn't have to end, but it didn't have to be romantic, but he kept saying, he didn't want to lose me, or what we had. He said he would understand if I dated, but was hoping I would not get seriously involved.
I decided to focus on finding a grad school program, and I maintained our connection. After his deployment, I became a pen pal of sorts, sending emails, packages, well wishes, and prayers. He in return, told me I had wonderful qualities, considered me the total package, and in his book, I "had it going on". We were both feeling fortunate to have met. He sent me gifts, flowers, never missed a birthday, Valentine's Day the entire time. He was emailing my mother, sister telling them he looked forward to meeting them when he got back (ok actually, I am STILL pissed about that, not my mama!!) For two years I managed to parlay Captain into a GREAT excuse (read: lie) for not getting close to potential candidates. I knew that if I met someone, chances of me and Captain being in a relationship were slim to none. So I hid, dodged, and avoided, anything that looked or felt like a great catch. In retrospect, I had reasons that I was not ready for a relationship. I used Captain as an excuse to explain to my friends why I wanted to be alone (never again, these days I tell my friends the truth, I don't mind being single!).
Well when he finally returned, I was HORNY as hell! While he was gone, I had no desire to connect with anyone intimately because I had convinced myself that NOBODY could match the feeling I had when I was with him. ** now, I am cracking up at the ridiculousness of that shit** So there I was, with 2 years of pent up sexual tension, ready to see Captain and waiting to feel that passion we once shared.
Well immediately things appeared shady. I asked him his return date and he was iffy on what day he was due in the States. He gave me an estimated arrival. I offered to meet him at the airport, he said he would let me know. Ok, so I am twitching in the parking lot that is I-285 traffic and I get a call from Captain. He sounds close, no delayed relay as if he was still in Iraq. Where are you? He sounded tired, yet happy to hear my voice. He wants to know when he will see me. I asked him where he was, he says at a hotel by the airport. (O, really muddafuckah?). I asked him when he landed he said Sunday, early Monday. UMMMMM, it's frickin THURSDAY! He had not only been here for DAYS, he had gotten an apartment leased and set up a new cell phone. He did all these things before picking up the phone to call me? Uh, ok. Great.
So after talking with some guy friends who had a military background, they advised me NOT to trip. They say Wise, sometime there is a need to decompress, get acclimated, blah blah, whatever.
SO, he asks me to dinner but doesn't feel like driving. He wants me to come pick HIM up, and we go to get something to eat. I am still, somehow very excited to see him, despite my gut telling me that shit wasn't on the up and up. (VAGINA LOGIC!)
So I get there and our reunion was ….awkward. He barely wanted to look at me, let alone touch me. The connection we had was clearly not there anymore. We had been corresponding fairly heavily right before he came back so I couldn't pinpoint when things came undone, but needless to say I was disappointed. I was STILL horny, and I was gearing up to at least get down, I mean hell, TWO YEARS, Sasha was marinating! I needed to be served!
So he warms up a little bit and we start to fall into our old comfort zone. This is right around the time the hotel phone rang. He answers, and I still vividly remember that conversation to this day!
Captain: Hello
Female: wah wah wah
Captain: No, I am about to go to sleep
Female: wah wah wah, tomorrow?
Captain: Yea, we can do that
Female: wah wah
Captain: ok bye
And he comes back to cuddling with me. Uhh what in the hell? I refused to ask him who it was, and he surely wasn't volunteering names. This is when I had my a ha moment. He intentionally didn't give me details of his return because he ALREADY arranged for someone else to meet him. *sigh*
I got up, grabbed my things, and told him I needed to get going because I had a long ride back. He thought I was staying the night, and I told him I just wanted to lay eyes on him. Luckily my bag was in the trunk of my car. We parted that night and I didn't hear from his for days. HE said he was really busy with getting settled. He called to ask me out a couple of time but I just didn't really want to get caught up again.
I remember one day he called and we had the ODDEST exchange. He was rambling on and on about some girl he used to date when he was in school and how she could never understand that he was busy with school, full time and working full time. He said he didn't want her to feel like she wasn't important and he tried to make efforts to show her that she mattered, but ultimately things didn't work out between them. Then he bust out with, "I can already see now, that I will need to find a woman who is in school and working full time, like I am again, with graduate school and the Army. I am thinking to myself uhhhhhhhh HELLO!? What the hell do you call what I do? Stripping and Hooking for money!? I still don't get the point he was trying to make and I didn't really have the energy to figure it out or even ask for clarification about WHAT THE HELL THAT HAD TO DO WITH ME!? Shit!
*ahem*
Anyway! He normally calls on my birthday, or New Year's Eve, which is when I last heard from him. The conversations we have are not the same. I never asked him why his feelings for me changed because honestly I didn't want to know the answer. It's like all your worst insecurities creep up when you feel rejected. I would rather my imagination run wild and think that he was married or about to undergo a sex change operation. LOL.
I am sure he has moved on with numerous other chicks by now, but every time my birthday comes, it is always nice to hear his voice and reminisce about how we used to connect. This year I will have a new phone number. I debated on whether I should call him to update it, but I figured I should leave well enough alone. Things just weren't meant to be for us. I do wonder though, why did he keep corresponding with me romantically? I was prepared to back off being a couple and remain his good friend, but he was so adamant that he wanted more. I suppose he was trying to guarantee procurement of some booty on his return. The thing is, I would have gladly been intimate with him if he had been upfront about what it is he really wanted. I was sooo horny it was just freaking reee--dick---- you --- lous!!!!
I guess he felt that it was necessary that I be caught up in emotions to be with him but I just didn't like that feeling of being set up. I almost questioned our entire pseudo-relationship. Then I realized that he was the first man to show me how deeply I could feel emotion and passion. I wouldn't call it love, more like love's cousin infatuation. He came along at a time when I needed to see that my total package is feasible. Our timing may have been off, but HIS timing was just right. Now if I could just let go of that nagging feeling of unfinished business with the Captain.
Add a comment