Confessions of A Deconstructing Diva
I once saw a quote that said:
Actions that derive from intentions are preceded by fantasies associated with expectations.
Other than my innate behavior and natural instinct, I think that everything I do is generally preceded by some type of expectation of an event, action, or emotion. It is like having a sense of what might happen as a result of a certain decision. Having expectations has kind of been like me using a lighthouse to illuminate things so I can see what dangers await me. The problem usually comes when my expectations are not realistic and the so called dangers that get illuminated are either non-existent, or self-imposed. I am not always aware of what I am doing, and I want to start to identify when this happens.
I think I am this way for a reason. When I experience a certain event, I associate a specific emotion with it. When situations arise that "feel" like said event, I naturally start to anticipate that the same outcome/action will bring the same emotions or consequences. This can be a perceived or an actual event, good or bad. When there is disappointment, there is usually an expectation that was not met. I think that I have a tendency to anticipate the worst because of prior events, experiences, and I expect to be let down. This is a PROBLEM that should be worked on (note to self) immediately. I don't want to be THAT girl that is so busy bracing herself for the worst case scenario, that I miss out on relishing on the possibilities of the BEST case scenario.
In class we discussed statistical expectations within the context of studying genetic structure. (My geektard quotient will probably skyrocket after this post). Statistical expectation is basically a mathematics average that is calculated from probabilities. It's interesting how concepts in math, science, and engineering mirror concepts in human behavior. (Is it just me or did I suddenly start to sound like Diggs? LOL)
Now I remember reading somewhere (psychology book) how statistical expectation exists in our personal lives. If I recall correctly, the book discussed expectation versus anticipation. Statistical expectation was one of two types of expectations, the other being need expectation. Statistical expectation is referring to the anticipation of a future event or occurrence based on prior experiences, which really implies probability. Need expectation stems more from emotion; implying that there is psychological anticipation of a particular outcome of behavior (I guess this would be a prominent feature of Vagina Logic).
Now back to the quote (Actions that derive from intentions are preceded by fantasies associated with expectations. ). I have certain expectations for success in each area of my life: career, health, spiritual, emotional, and love. I take certain actions that come from my intentions (of success) which are preceded by fantasies (of success) with expectations (of success).
Actions:
I have chosen a school and program that I expect to bring me closer to my career goals. Part of the expectations that I have for success is preceded by my fantasies of having a fabulous job (and a beautiful SLK 289 roadster, LOL), property in Italy, and a husband that looks a LOT like Maxwell (you saw that one coming, right?)
As stated earlier, I have chosen to deconstruct myself to promote personal growth that I expect will bring me closer to my goals for success in my spiritual, emotional, and yes even health/well-being areas of my life.
I have been learning some HARD lessons lately. Lessons that I was ill-prepared to learn, especially in the manner that I learned them. This is a part of life (sucks doesn't it) that is inevitable, despite my perception/misconception of being bullet proof.
I have been completely frustrated with so many things lately. The good news is I feel as if I see a light at the end of the tunnel(its flickering a bit, but it's there!) What I am going to attempt to do....what I expect to happen..is that I will take this negative energy and frustration and channel it into something positive that will help me learn and grow. I hope that this will help me learn to deal with the situation because going to jail for assault is not a good look for the diva. Orange jumpsuits would look horrible on me!
Actions that derive from intentions are preceded by fantasies associated with expectations.
Other than my innate behavior and natural instinct, I think that everything I do is generally preceded by some type of expectation of an event, action, or emotion. It is like having a sense of what might happen as a result of a certain decision. Having expectations has kind of been like me using a lighthouse to illuminate things so I can see what dangers await me. The problem usually comes when my expectations are not realistic and the so called dangers that get illuminated are either non-existent, or self-imposed. I am not always aware of what I am doing, and I want to start to identify when this happens.
I think I am this way for a reason. When I experience a certain event, I associate a specific emotion with it. When situations arise that "feel" like said event, I naturally start to anticipate that the same outcome/action will bring the same emotions or consequences. This can be a perceived or an actual event, good or bad. When there is disappointment, there is usually an expectation that was not met. I think that I have a tendency to anticipate the worst because of prior events, experiences, and I expect to be let down. This is a PROBLEM that should be worked on (note to self) immediately. I don't want to be THAT girl that is so busy bracing herself for the worst case scenario, that I miss out on relishing on the possibilities of the BEST case scenario.
In class we discussed statistical expectations within the context of studying genetic structure. (My geektard quotient will probably skyrocket after this post). Statistical expectation is basically a mathematics average that is calculated from probabilities. It's interesting how concepts in math, science, and engineering mirror concepts in human behavior. (Is it just me or did I suddenly start to sound like Diggs? LOL)
Now I remember reading somewhere (psychology book) how statistical expectation exists in our personal lives. If I recall correctly, the book discussed expectation versus anticipation. Statistical expectation was one of two types of expectations, the other being need expectation. Statistical expectation is referring to the anticipation of a future event or occurrence based on prior experiences, which really implies probability. Need expectation stems more from emotion; implying that there is psychological anticipation of a particular outcome of behavior (I guess this would be a prominent feature of Vagina Logic).
Now back to the quote (Actions that derive from intentions are preceded by fantasies associated with expectations. ). I have certain expectations for success in each area of my life: career, health, spiritual, emotional, and love. I take certain actions that come from my intentions (of success) which are preceded by fantasies (of success) with expectations (of success).
Actions:
I have chosen a school and program that I expect to bring me closer to my career goals. Part of the expectations that I have for success is preceded by my fantasies of having a fabulous job (and a beautiful SLK 289 roadster, LOL), property in Italy, and a husband that looks a LOT like Maxwell (you saw that one coming, right?)
As stated earlier, I have chosen to deconstruct myself to promote personal growth that I expect will bring me closer to my goals for success in my spiritual, emotional, and yes even health/well-being areas of my life.
I have been learning some HARD lessons lately. Lessons that I was ill-prepared to learn, especially in the manner that I learned them. This is a part of life (sucks doesn't it) that is inevitable, despite my perception/misconception of being bullet proof.
I have been completely frustrated with so many things lately. The good news is I feel as if I see a light at the end of the tunnel(its flickering a bit, but it's there!) What I am going to attempt to do....what I expect to happen..is that I will take this negative energy and frustration and channel it into something positive that will help me learn and grow. I hope that this will help me learn to deal with the situation because going to jail for assault is not a good look for the diva. Orange jumpsuits would look horrible on me!
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