Two Women
There were always in me
two women at least
one woman desperate and bewildered
who felt she was drowning
and another who would leap into a scene
as upon a stage, conceal her true emotions
because they were weaknesses, helplessness, despair,
and present to the world only a smile,
an eagerness, curiosity, enthusiasm, interest.
- Anais Nin
Sometimes I stumble on an author or poet who precisely captures the essence of my being. I am trying to leave my comfort zone of reading books solely by black authors. I will always support and love black writers, I just now feel the need to diversify my reading repertoire, so to speak. After having lunch with my cool white friend Tammy, she told me about one of her favorite authors, Anais Nin http://www.anaisnin.com/home.html I had actually heard of this author before, but never took the time to read a lot of her writings.
After I read the above excerpt, I literally felt goose bumps. I have felt for a long time that I have two women in me, and they definitely battle each other a lot. I am not sure how much being a pastor’s kid (fishbowl life growing up) had to do with it, but I conceal a lot of true emotions for a lot of reasons. Sometimes, I do it because I want to keep the appearance that I am so strong, determined, and smart. I do feel that I am all these things, at times…but the reality is, I have so many self-defeating thoughts and feelings that I sometimes struggle to reaffirm my positive qualities. The whole diva persona that I have is sometimes just that. I have moments where I feel beautiful, unstoppable, feisty, ferocious, and even bitchy. Then I have days when I second-guess myself, question my direction, and generally feel lost. Those days have been more frequent lately, yet I continue to mask my emotions to my family and my friends. It is overwhelming at times to do it, and honestly, I don’t know how much longer I will. I don’t know if the 2 women in me will ever stop battling each other. It’s not like I have multiple personality disorder or anything. I just want the desperate, drowning woman to stop feeling that way, and start allowing the stronger woman to show emotions. There is strength in admitting your weakness, showing your emotions, venting your frustrations, so why can’t I find the strength to do it? What am I afraid of?
two women at least
one woman desperate and bewildered
who felt she was drowning
and another who would leap into a scene
as upon a stage, conceal her true emotions
because they were weaknesses, helplessness, despair,
and present to the world only a smile,
an eagerness, curiosity, enthusiasm, interest.
- Anais Nin
Sometimes I stumble on an author or poet who precisely captures the essence of my being. I am trying to leave my comfort zone of reading books solely by black authors. I will always support and love black writers, I just now feel the need to diversify my reading repertoire, so to speak. After having lunch with my cool white friend Tammy, she told me about one of her favorite authors, Anais Nin http://www.anaisnin.com/home.html I had actually heard of this author before, but never took the time to read a lot of her writings.
After I read the above excerpt, I literally felt goose bumps. I have felt for a long time that I have two women in me, and they definitely battle each other a lot. I am not sure how much being a pastor’s kid (fishbowl life growing up) had to do with it, but I conceal a lot of true emotions for a lot of reasons. Sometimes, I do it because I want to keep the appearance that I am so strong, determined, and smart. I do feel that I am all these things, at times…but the reality is, I have so many self-defeating thoughts and feelings that I sometimes struggle to reaffirm my positive qualities. The whole diva persona that I have is sometimes just that. I have moments where I feel beautiful, unstoppable, feisty, ferocious, and even bitchy. Then I have days when I second-guess myself, question my direction, and generally feel lost. Those days have been more frequent lately, yet I continue to mask my emotions to my family and my friends. It is overwhelming at times to do it, and honestly, I don’t know how much longer I will. I don’t know if the 2 women in me will ever stop battling each other. It’s not like I have multiple personality disorder or anything. I just want the desperate, drowning woman to stop feeling that way, and start allowing the stronger woman to show emotions. There is strength in admitting your weakness, showing your emotions, venting your frustrations, so why can’t I find the strength to do it? What am I afraid of?
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